When You Think of Yourself | Word Meditations 4/366

When you think back on your life, do you think of yourself as a child or as yourself?

So far I’ve been thinking of me as myself. As a continuum, as a thought, as the same person in moment and time and feeling and energy…

Until I was having a thought the other day and realized that I was only 9 at the time. Until I was having a thought and saw a girl of 9, scared, confused, and trying to reason with the adult world swirling in a nightmare before her.

And only then did it hit me.
I didn’t go through that. A child of 9 did. 
I didn’t suffer through that. A child of 9 did.

And wouldn’t I just run and hug and try to comfort any child of 9 I’d see go through something like that now? But not myself.
In fact, I was ashamed at how little I did and at how much I let myself be manipulated in the situation.

But then, again, a realization…

I never spoke up about that, because it wasn’t me; it was a child of 9 standing at the scene.

I never defended myself through that, because it wasn’t me; it was a child of 9 being attacked and abused by adult words.

We weren’t always we. 
We used to be children once. 
Children who were trying to navigate their way through life and the adult complexity. And those children were hurt, and those children hurt in their little souls, and those children were scared and confused and betrayed and bullied.

And we must recognize them that.

I used to try to be strong, pretending that it didn’t hurt. I used to try to reason with my memories and reason with myself that I knew better now.

But that’s precisely the thing.

Those things didn’t happen to me. Not now. 
They happened to me when I was 9. And I was only 9.

Sometimes the best way to heal is to accept that child and acknowledge its wounds. Embrace yourself as a child. Realize that you were a mere child.

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