I accidentally wrote a thinkpiece in a facebook thread about who I want Drake to beef with and this is it.

This morning, I was talking to friends about Remy Ma’s recent Nicki Minaj diss, shETHER, and one of them asked on Facebook “Where is Drake’s Remy Ma? We neeeeeeed youuuuu”

Now, this friend doesn’t think too highly of Drake, but I most certainly do. That being said, as much as I like my gods to be six, I also like them to be tested, so we both had a vested interest in fantasizing about who might step up to the plate (For the record, I was team Meek in that whole kerfuffle, referenced below).

After some discussion of very viable candidates — Pusha T, Cassidy, Camron — I thought long and hard about WHY Remy Ma’s diss resonated the way it did (outside of it being some good and mean rapping) and proposed an outside theory of who might be most effective.

I spent way too long on it and it got four likes, so I figured I’d try to feel less like I’d wasted my time by sharing it publicly.

Also, I’m having my third quarter-life crisis in as many years, so I think I am well past due for a Medium account.

Enjoy.

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“Putting way too much thought into this, but the unique circumstance that led to this gift [shETHER] is the same unique circumstance that gave us the beautiful, wonderful gift of Kim-Taylor-KanyeGate. Nicki, like Taylor, thought she was safe.

Nicki thought she was safe subtweeting Remy because, even though Remy was a heavy hitter pre-doing time, Plato o Plomo was just released to not much fanfare, so Nicki probably figures Remy Ma has been out of the zeitgeist for too long and any retort won’t go mainstream. Her major miscalculation was that Remy hasn’t been quiet for years because she fell off. She’s been quiet for years because she went to jail for shooting her friend in the stomach, and is clearly working her ass off/taking every opportunity to make up for lost time. Nicki handed her one of those opportunities

Now, Taylor knew Kim and Kanye were megastars, but Taylor thought she was safe because nobody believes a goddamn word that comes out of Kanye’s mouth. Her major miscalculation? Forgetting that Kim is the Oversharer in Chief and OBVIOUSLY had all that shit on record.

So for Drake’s Remy Ma to come out of the woodwork, he needs to go after someone big, who he also (incorrectly) believes himself to be safe from.

(Here’s where I lose everyone.)

Drake already danced with Meek and came out on top, but it was touch and go for a second. He’s doing everything he can to align himself with a harder image right now. I don’t think he’d feel safe going after anyone on that end of the spectrum again any time soon.

But WOULDN’T HE FEEL SAFE… going after Pitbull? We forget he can rap, but he’s also a megastar. He’s constantly written off as a joke, but every time he releases a song, you hear it whether you want to or not. All of his music plays it safe these days, but he’s been in the industry long enough to know some Drizzy dirt if he wants to.

And finally, to use his own words, Pitbulls “bite to lock. The dog is too stupid to lose.”

WHO BETTER TO TAKE DOWN A SHEEP IN WOLF’S CLOTHING THAN A SHEEP IN A FLOOR-LENGTH WOLF JACKET AND DIAMOND-STUDDED SUNGLASSES?

PITBULL FOR DRAKE BODY-ER 2017!

I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS!”

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Thank you, and I’ll probably forget I made this Medium account tomorrow.

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