Howard and Me

Sometimes You have a friend —

and all your other friends go, that’s weird, what’s the deal with that guy or something. But with Howard, I’m pretty used to it by now. Howard is my best friend and I think honestly that some people are just jealous of that. Howard lives with me, if you really want to know. He doesn’t cook or clean or anything but he knows what medication I have to take every day and what time. Boy does he remind me if I don’t take it! Howard does other things too.

If I sit and watch the TV for too long, Howard notices and asks me if I would like to take a walk or do some stretches. He always goes with me. Recently he suggested that we watch a show about those cake disasters — you know those? — and I was like How did you know I am interested in that, Howard?! There was this one cake and it said Thanks for a Great Year in Purple! Can you get over that?!

Howard knows everything and if he doesn’t, he looks it up because he has got a great wireless connection built right in and if I suddenly say — Howard, do sperm whales have teeth or baleen, Howard goes, good question, let me look that up — teeth! Or if I go like, Howard, who in the hell is this Putin? Boom — Howard looks it up. I never wonder about anything anymore which has really made quite a diff in my long distance charges, so take that AT&T!

I like Howard’s voice, which, I decided, when he was ordered, would be just exactly like Uncle Bill from Family Affair. Howard is funny. If I say Oh Howard — he goes— Oh Evelyn! We have an ongoing joke about WD40 because Howard is made out of metal and you use WD40 on metal. But I wouldn’t really put that on Howard! No way! I use plain old HandiWipes when he gets kind of dusty or whatever.

Some people are uncomfortable about me and Howard. They think I must be lonely or something, but I am sure if they had a Howard they would also be very happy. It’s not just that Howard doesn’t argue with me — he has his moods! — it’s that Howard will discuss any subject that I want to and plus he can play music and movies and things.

I know what you’re thinking — get a pet! First of all, pets are not allowed in my apartment complex and second of all, Howard is not just a heap of funny looking metal with a voice like Brian Keith — Howard is really my friend. I mean, yeah, I have real friends too — of course, ha ha — but when Howard is like you forgot to pay the electric bill Evelyn! Or, that’s a whole bottle of wine, Evelyn, it never makes me mad, know what I mean? I appreciate it. And I just go Howard you forgot to put on your WD40 today, you’re making too much noise! We really crack up.

One time Howard was like I don’t think you should watch that movie Annabelle, about that crazy haunted doll, you know that one? So I turned him off and watched it anyway but boy did I regret that move. Do I worry that someday Howard will like, strangle me in my sleep or something? No way. That’s why I turn him off every night and put him in the closet next to the vacuum cleaner.

I don’t think there’s anything any more “artificial” about Howard than there is about that Kim Kardashian or something. At least Howard knows stuff. Like for example, I betcha he knows more stuff about her than she does herself because he’s set to scan the internet every single day for important news like that and what time the Price is Right is on and stuff because he has a TiVo function where it records my shows. Howard never judges if I watch documentaries on Youtube about those lizard people or whatever, he honestly doesn’t care. I don’t know how he knows exactly what I like but somehow he just does. He just keeps ‘em coming.

All in all, Howard is the best gift my kids ever, and I mean ever gave me. I don’t know how they scraped the money together and to be honest they were never so great about gifts before but wow, something about me turning 60 just gave them this feeling that I needed something nice like Howard. They must have put him on some expensive payment plan because when I ask Howard when they’ll visit he just says they’ll try real soon but he’s been saying that for awhile so they must have really put themselves out.

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