August 12, 2016

I hear morning crickets. I feel the cool metal of the laptop under my palms. Our english bulldog W scurries out after waking to join me in the living room. Her funny noises and huffs fill the space. I feel a ribbon of pressure at the top of my lungs. I see spots on my glasses in front of my—dried tears. I feel breath move in and out of my lungs. In. Out. In. Out. In.

This has been the second hardest week since June 19. The first week was a mess. I was scared, totally alone, out of the house, without my kids, and had no idea what was going on. In contrast, this week I have had to open up to deeply painful fears and wounds in somatic PTSD therapy. A lot of my fear, anxiety and anger has more and more clear roots. I am working with my therapist on creating mind tools to protect these parts of me at times in my life when I experienced ongoing trauma. Using my imagination to create pictures of standing up to my dad, or holding baby M bare chest to bare chest to help him know he’s not alone.

A is not wearing her wedding ring. She’s wearing a micro thin silver ring of some kind in it’s place. The engagement and wedding ring are for her areas of pain and places I have been controlling and self-centered. We’ve talked through this so many times I can’t count, but something there reminds A too much of me, or that moment, or whatever. I can’t know. She’s not talking. That’s not where we’re at.

Living at home without any relationship, without any developing friendship has been one of the most confusing and painful things I’ve ever had to do. A doesn’t touch me. Not even a little. She drops things into my hand. Last night I wept about my grandmother starting to pass away and she just stood there. Her boundaries are strong, and I’m proud of her for fighting for her healing, and it’s unbelievably hard. These go hand in hand. We have marriage counseling in three weeks. She wasn’t ready before then.

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God. I want to follow your will. My will is filled with wrong thinking and illusions. I want to follow you. I believe you’ll give me the strength I need to keep following you—when I do follow you. Please help. I feel under a huge cloud. This hard work with A. Unbelievable work pressure. My grandmother passing. My sister and I at odds a bit. My mom and dad separated. Please guide me to sanity. Guide me to a healthy place. Guide me where you want me to go.