August 15, 2016

Thoughts that rake across my mind. Steel on concrete. What do I have to do? What’s next here? What do they think of me? How can I impress them so they don’t think that about me? How can I turn this around? How can I run away? Where would I go?

I’m learning that when I obsess about something I need to go to an AA meeting, and I need to pray and meditate. Specifically I am am trying to be in control. I want control because it feels safer. I want safety because I have deep insides that don’t feel safe. The trauma body-memories of being alone when I desperately wanted to be protected ask for control. They tell the 37 year old M to find control so that we won’t be un-loved, un-adored, un-appreciated, un-affectioned, un-cared-for, un-needed.

I am obsessing this morning. But that control is not something I have, or want. If I control, then I am God. I don’t want to be God. I want to receive God’s love. I want to rest in God.

God you know me inside-out, and upside-down and every which way. You love me, and you have never left my side. You trust me enough to give me the suffering I need to grow in character. Baby M, or maybe 4yr old M are feeling scared and alone this morning. What if I’m more than they can handle today? What if they leave me? How can I keep them from leaving me? What can I do?

God I submit my life to you. I submit this process of healing over to you. I pull it from my body and I put it in your hands. I submit my work to you and the way I am perceived by my fellow workers. I don’t control that perception. You order all things with love and for love. God I can’t control my children. I can’t control how they grow specifically, or what they think, or how they behave or react to life. I give up controlling my children. God I can’t control A. She was my wife. Though we aren’t divorced, we are separated. For now, she is not my wife. I am not her husband. Yet we live in the same house. Sleeping separately. Raising the same kids. When A seems grumpy, it’s not a mystery for me to solve. When A seems week, it’s not a burden for me to fish out. When A seems irritable, I don’t have to bear it for fear of losing her if I don’t. When A has nothing to give, I am free to not ask for anything, and free to not need anything from her.

God I submit my will to you. You are kind to me. You don’t wound me aimlessly. You are carving me into a man. I submit my feisty heart to you today. Please help me tame the unwieldy parts of me. God what is your will for me today? What would you have me do? What would you have me stop doing? What would you have me wait on? I trust you will show me. I trust you will give me the strength I need to do only what you’ve asked. You are building up strength in my true self. You are diminishing strength in my ego. This is slow birth.

Today I will do each next right thing. I will ask before I act. I will pause before I do. What I do and don’t do today is not the most important thing in the universe. The universe is. God is. I am his. From that center, each thing I do may have it’s place.

Thank you for walking me through this today God. I love you. Help me love you. I believe. Help my unbelief.