Where are we?
August 22, 2016–5:52am
I’m trying to understand where we’re at in the map of things. It’s hard to know how I should be relating to A right now. My interest in knowing feels like it’s based out of wanting to know if this is the way things will always be. I feel myself changing so much of my own thinking and how I relate to life. I’m a shifting variable. A’s a shifting variable. What will marriage be like with these changing people?
She’s unavailable to be sweet with or even to look at with intention or the kind of kindness that says I love you. She’s available for me to do the dishes, or the laundry, or watch the kids, or get the groceries.
She walked around in her leggings and a revealing tank top last night. I had to ask her to put on another shirt. She obliged. There was no sense of empathy in the way she related about it. That lack of empathy was confusing to me.
We had some good conversations over the weekend about kayaking, about mutual friends, about the kids and a book we’re reading about parenting. I enjoyed helping do what I could to prep for the week to give what I could since I’ll be gone all week. She was relating to me kindly and talking. Then I left for my AA meeting. As I was leaving her demeanor changed. When I said goodbye, she responded with a curt and empty “bye”, and that was that. I realized that felt unpredictable and inconsistent. I felt triggered by that because that’s the erratic behavior I would feel from my dad that made me feel insane.
These are the kinds of interactions that alone aren’t that big of a deal, but amassed together create a lot of strain to live where one person is inclined to grow relationship and the other person is abstaining from relationship by applying boundaries.
I don’t need A. I need God. I need a relationship with myself that is whole. I need to breathe air and eat food and drink water and take shelter. I want to live a rich full life.