August 5, 2016

Small truths along the way.

For me, masturbation is control. I don’t want to control. Somehow being clear about that, changes some perspective for me. I’m not drinking today, but this is an area I felt justified to experience in lack of other areas of relaxation. But I want to be free. I don’t feel free because I’m in charge. I’m asking God to own this part of my body.

Two interesting new thoughts have come into my mind. Totally hypothetical, but helpful for assessing my place in the world at the moment.

1) If A ceased to exist tomorrow, would I want to remarry right now? For the first time in my life, I’m not saying “Yes, absolutely, as quickly as possible”. That’s new.

2) I am starting to feel some new ground. I’m not being critical of A. At all. For six + weeks. Only once or twice in my head, and that was quickly replaced with better compassion as I gave judgement to Jesus. Again this is new. So that said. I’m also realizing we actually don’t have the relationship right now to praise her either. I have been, as often as I felt it was within our boundaries, but I’m realizing that right now it’s very imbalanced. I’m ahead of myself and maybe A there. She does not “praise” me at all. I don’t need her praise, but I’m simply realizing that dynamic is not reciprocal. This is really wild ground. I’m observing a lot more than I have before.

God is changing me. I like the changes. I like who I am a lot more securely these days. I want God to reveal his will for how he wants us to relate to the unbelievable number of things that are going cuckoo in our lives, and in those peripheral to us right now.

  • Marriage eruption.
  • A’s sister is in the hospital. Having seriously tried to commit suicide.
  • My parents are talking about splitting up.
  • We got lice (L and B) and somehow that’s not treatable over the counter anymore. We have to pay $185 per kid plus hours of laundry and cleaning.
  • My Grandmother is in the hospital (today, Thursday)
  • My son L1 is struggling massively with phobias.
  • We’ve spent thousands in 6 weeks on health and therapists.

And

  • Our house is dry and warm.
  • We have a cute and wonderful dog who is the best friend to a lonely guy.
  • Our boys have cute and wonderful guinea pigs that make them relaxed and happy.
  • We’ve got a parenting coach who’s gonna help us with L2.
  • We have amazing friends who love us.
  • Our God isn’t surprised by a damn thing, and he’s just so furiously in love with his people. Small miracles every day.
  • AA is the best. Who’da thunk it?