July 10, 2016

Yesterday got tough. In the afternoon I felt grumpy. Pressure. I was tired. These are likely to be feelings I’ll likely experience often in my life. They are feelings, they are physiological and emotional. My pattern has been to feel these things. Feel they are uncomfortable and block them with manufactured good feelings. Alcohol. Self-sex. Fantasy. I’m 21 days alcohol sober today, but in these other areas I’ve stumbled.

This morning I practiced mindfulness, as I do each morning. In this practice, I have been uncovering that when I look at my yard, or areas of glaring imperfection in our landscape, I feel pressure and guilt. I feel I need to do something immediately. I feel threatened—like I’ll lose my place if I don’t keep the weeds out, if I don’t redo my broken concrete walkway, if I don’t trim the brush, if I don’t grow back grass where it’s gone lacking.

I’m also uncovering that these are feelings. Simply feelings. Feel them. No need to evaluate them. There they are. I don’t have to do anything about them. I don’t have to move because of them. I don’t have to tighten and recoil from them. I don’t have to let them motivate me into action on my yard. I am able as a rational human being to know when I need or want to work on my yard according to the other tasks that are priorities.

There is a feeling in my back. In front of my spine. It fans out into my abdomen. It’s uncomfortable—like an unsettled bloating. I hear a thought that I need a connection to A today. I hear a thought that it’s been so long since we’ve even held hands. 20 days. The feeling in my stomach tightens and twists. I savor these feelings. I experience them. There they are. That is all. I let them float on. I stare at the weed breaking through the concrete near my front porch stoop. It must get hot during the day. It is very green. Float on.

Not July 10, 2016

My heart has always been my rutter. I cannot remember a time when I didn’t let it steer me. Thank you emotions for giving me a great vibrant life to date. I know we will spend many more good days together. I am taking the trust I’ve put in you, and what you say to me, and I’m turning it over to the care of God. I do not know or feel what is best.