The Backburner Chronicles, Part One: Meaningless Reviews in a Galaxy Even Further Away
Before the prequels, before Jar Jar, long before Rey and Kylo Ren, George Lucas kept the nerds satisfied by keeping the story of Luke and Leia and Han going in the pages of books and comics, all of which was negated when Disney purchased the franchise in 2012. This is a meaningless review of one of these stories, itself part of a larger run comprised of nineteen novels. For a full explanation of this review and series, click here. All previous installments can be found here.
In this installment, we take a break from all the excitement, unfortunately.
All the way to 15 now in the series, Force Heretic 1: Remnant, by Shane Dix and Sean Williams. The first entry in the only trilogy in the whole series, which ran throughout 2003.
I think that one of the more alluring ideas in fiction is the notion of forgotten cities or ancient technology, swallowed by literal or metaphorical deserts, merely waiting for rediscovery. It’s a pretty irresistible idea, like the thought of cults, or crawlspaces.
It’s also a pretty easy way to frame a story, which is why so many authors use it. It has showed up several times in the Star Wars universe, including the best Star Wars video game of all time and making up a central plot point in perhaps the best series of books in the expanded universe. So it’s a good way to make good things, right?
Welp, that idea is the main thread in the next three novels, and I am sorry to say that it is far more tedious than it really needs to be.
As always, we begin with a concise look at the plot:
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Characters:
The New Republic:
Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker*
Han and Leia Organa Solo
Jacen Solo:* No longer the worst!
Jaina Solo*
Tahiri Veila*
Danni Quee:* The New Republic scientist responsible for the largest technological breakthroughs agains the Yuuzhan Vong is now sort of unemployed, and pretty bored.
Saba Sebatyne: A Jedi that has been a pretty important background character since Star By Star, Saba is a master pilot, and Danni Quee’s guardian angel of sorts. She brought an assload of wayward Jedi into the fold earlier in the series. She’s also a giant reptile.
The Empire:
Grand Admiral Pellaeon:* The commander in chief of all the Empire’s Navies, Pellaeon is not exactly an ally of the New Republic (or what’s left of it), but is more sympathetic to the cause than most of the people in charge of what is left of the Empire
Jag Fel:* Charmed Spaceboi of the Empire, Jag’s been hanging out in the middle of war zones with Jaina the last three or four books, and now he’s Jaina’s main squeeze. There’s been a lot of hooking up in empty conference rooms between the two.
The Yuuzhan Vong
Nom Anor:* Now in exile, but still the raddest.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Developments:
Vergere, Jacen’s Big Bird-esque mentor, was taken captive by an advance group of Yuuzhan Vong fifty years before the invasion. Right before that, she was on a planet called Zonama Sekot. This planet was very beautiful, which isn’t unusual, but what is unusual is that the planet had developed a full on consciousness and the ability to move around under its own power.
I’m not sure if this is stupid or awesome, but the Yuuzhan Vong advance force was taken with the planet and chose to invade the galaxy based on the interaction with the living planet. The planet got spooked by the unwanted attention, much like when someone attempts an unsolicited DM slide, and jumped into unknown space. So the next three books follow Luke, Mara, Jacen, Danni, and Saba as they try to track this thing down.
While that’s happening, the authors took this chance to wrap up a lot of back burner shit.
- Backburner Plot A: The remnants of the Empire have stuck the war out largely from the sidelines, though they have provided limited aid to the New Republic a couple of times. It’s time to bring them into the fold.
- Backburner Plot B: Tahiri Veila was tortured by the Yuuzhan Vong before being rescued by Anakin Solo, who (subsequently) became her boyfriend, before (even more subsequently) dying. She’s been going through some shit as a result of both of those things, but the books haven’t had a chance to deal with that story line until now, nearly at the end.
- Backburner Plot C: For the most part, the books prior to the series dealt with the struggle between the Rebellion (later, the New Republic) and the Empire. Sometimes, the writers would get bored of this and write new enemies for the Republic to fight. What this means is that there are a whole bunch of autonomous groups that exist outside of the New Republic, and this is problematic because it complicates the story. I have a feeling that this trilogy was written for the express purpose of eliminating as many of these groups as possible, erasing or correcting the often embarrassing work of the expanded universe.
Nom Anor steals someone’s girl and then founds a cult based on Jedi worship in order to bug the supreme overlord of the Yuuzhan Vong to notice him, which is perhaps the biggest example of peacocking ever written.
This installment is interesting because prior to this, Yammosks were relatively rare. The giant brain creatures that coordinate the alien fleets were only present in the largest engagements, as they were too valuable to spare. In this one though, it’s like candy on halloween. They’re everywhere. It’s weird.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Death Star Watch: It ain’t Star Wars if there isn’t destruction on a planetary scale
It has been a while since I’ve had to do one of these, as the authors had seemingly abandoned the need for massive destruction.
It is with a heavy heart that I must report that the writers are back on their bullshit.
Saba’s planet Barab I is destroyed at the very beginning of this one by planetary bombardment. The Jedi makes things worse by destroying a slaveship, accidentally killing thousands and thousands of her people. I guess Saba didn’t recognize that the ship was carrying slaves, but it doesn’t really make all that much sense, as the Yuuzhan Vong have used them before, and Saba has done extensive fighting against them — surely she would have had some briefing on the ship types? Maybe not?
Another planet suffers lethal bombardment. That one is called N’zoth, and it was the home planet of an extremely xenophobic race of aliens called the Yevetha. The Vong make quick work of it.
Death Star Count for Remnant: 2
Death Star Count for The New Jedi Order: 8
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Cliches in a Galaxy Far, Far Away:
“Same shit, different day” is toned down and made into a borderline incomprehensible “Same Meat, Different Bantha.”
“Loose Cannon,” a idiom that conjures the power and danger of an unsecured cannon rolling around on the deck of a ship, becomes “Loose Blaster,” which has none of that ring to it. The term is used to describe Jaina. No word on if she was asked to turn in her badge and/or gun for being too much of one on the space police force.
“Wild Goose Chase” becomes “Wild Gundark Chase.” This one is fine, I guess.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Jar Jar Binks Award for Worst New Addition to the Galaxy
Look at this picture of Saba and another random Jedi:
Saba looks like a photorealistic attempt at making a Koopa Troopa (shouts to the Mario Wiki). Saba looks like Gorn:
Saba looks like she’s just been offered a seat on a bus by a dude who smells like cat piss. Saba looks like Chrissy Teigen.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Final Thoughts: I’m going to spoil this one. The remnants of the Empire decide to throw in with the New Republic, which has rebranded as the “Galactic Alliance,” kind of like how tobacco companies in the nineties rebranded following colossal defeats in court.
Skip this one.
This has been Meaningless Reviews in a Galaxy Even Further away, in which I read through the entirety of The New Jedi Order and write about it.
