There is a line from a Nirvana song that I often think about. “Just because you’re not paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you” I need to apply the opposite to my life. Just because I am so paranoid, doesn’t mean everyone is out to get me.
I never knew that paranoia was a symptom of Bipolar disorder. I am only now learning this and, to be honest, it makes absolute sense. I am paranoid about so many people, even those who try their hardest to help me. I imagine people having secret conversations about me behind my back, while walking on eggshells around me so as to not upset me and make me think anything is going on. I start to think that my closest friends hate me, and that they are going to hurt me by betraying me and leaving me and no longer being my friend. As a result of that, I get possessive of them and want or need to keep them under my watch so I know they aren’t planning to abandon me. The greatest irony of all this, is while I hate feeling this way and creating these outlandish scenarios in my head, these thoughts and feelings are what drive people away. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
I am beginning to realize that what I have to do is focus on one relationship in particular. The relationship I have with myself. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, only one person will always be there with me. Myself.
I still care deeply about my friends, unfortunately more deeply than they will ever care for me, but I have to focus on myself more. I am learning that I cannot control the other side of a relationship. As a result, these relationships are never guaranteed. That absolutely breaks my heart, but I suppose that is just how life is.
I have pushed very good friends away before they could abandon me, and I still fall into those traps today. I often think to myself that maybe I should just end relationships before the other person has a chance to hurt me. The great irony of me pushing people away, is that when I am left alone, only then I recognize how much I hate myself, and how unbearable it is to be alone.
I have also had friends ghost me. One of my closest friends basically just vanished on me one day and while I saw him a few more times through mutual friends, he was gone. We were best friends for five years, and he left me like trash to be taken out. Since then, I am worried other friends will leave me like he did. Despite having several great friends who care for me, still that worry carries over. This feeds into me feeling like the paranoia is reasonable. After all, it has happened before.
Another dark part of this paranoia is at times I will dig and dig through my mind, trying to find one example of someone liking me, someone actually caring for me. Despite those moments existing, when I am paranoid and depressed, I am never able to find those moments and I begin to feel like a burden. Quickly this burdensome swirls down into suicidal thoughts.
The most painful part of this paranoia is that I am aware of it. I am aware of how damaging it can be. Still, the paranoia attacks my mind. Anytime someone around me shifts their demeanor, or their mood changes and I pick up on it, my mind twists it .I think “they hate me” or “they don’t like me anymore” or “I did something wrong”. Maybe “they are sick of me” or they “only stick around because they feel bad for me”.
These thoughts race and race and race in my mind like Lewis Hamilton around a track. It is unfair. Unfair to the person I am paranoid about, unfair to the great friendship we have built up, and most of all, unfair to me.
In my lucid moments, I am able to understand that I have to take care of myself. I remind myself that it is all in my head. No one said they hate me. No one said they didn’t like me anymore. No one said they were sick of me. It’s during my lucidity that I realize my best friend would have to be a psychopath to be doing the things I imagine he is. Why would he stick around if he hated me and didn’t want to be around me? I wish this lucid mind was always here. It is a small window into what normal life must be like.
It is going to be hard, but I have to retrain my brain. I can’t continue on how I have. I often ask my closest friends for all these reassurances that they like me, and don’t hate me. That must be so fucking annoying. My best friend even asked me once why his friendship wasn’t enough for me. That really hurts to think about. It shows how damaging bipolar disorder can be to those around me. It hurts that I made someone I care deeply about feel like all their efforts, all their attempts to help, all their love and care wasn’t enough. Even more heartbreaking is in my darkest moments, no amount of care is enough. Nothing will ever be enough. There is only one place this battle can be fought, and that is in my brain. Yes, I will need help from friends, therapists, councilors, and hopefully one day other people with bipolar, but it’s up to me to save myself.
Andrew’s article: https://medium.com/@just-andrew/the-truth-4164121d2dcb
The complete Bipolar Diaries: https://medium.com/@Just.Troy/list/bipolar-diaries-4e15794f975f
People think I’m insane because I am frowning all the time
All day long, I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
Think I’ll lose my mind if I don’t find something to pacify
-“Paranoid”, Black Sabbath
If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please do not hesitate to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255). This is a free, 24/7 confidential service that can provide people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, or those around them, with support, information, and local resources. For more information, call or visit www.suicidepreventionhotline.org.
