Fact: More and more straight women are prepared to be single in perpetuity, so now it’s really up to you to figure out what you need to do. — I’ve got my assortment of vibrators, my unending list of emotionally unavailable fuckboys to hook up with now and then (when I really just need a human body on top of me), and my close friends who give me more emotional support than any man I’ve dated ever has. …

Here’s How to Really Get Yourself a Man! Instead of: Asking, “what are we?” Do this: Stage a robbery where he has to define your relationship at gunpoint. Instead of: Explaining to him that the socially constructed standard of beauty you feel pressured to live up to is far greater than his. Do this: Eat a salad! Instead…