It was one of the main things I looked forward to when I fantasized about being in a committed relationship: regularly sharing a bed. I pictured myself falling asleep with someone by my side. I saw us embracing one another until the sun came up. Then I’d picture us sleeping…

A few weeks into dating my now-boyfriend, something awful happened. I cried over a case of La Croix. — A few weeks into dating my now-boyfriend, something awful (yet ultimately insightful) happened. I cried over being gifted a case of La Croix. Granted, it was my favorite flavor, but still, carbonated water should never bring a person to tears. So, why did that happen? Well, as I was gifted…

Fact: More and more straight women are prepared to be single in perpetuity, so now it’s really up to you to figure out what you need to do. — I’ve got my assortment of vibrators, my unending list of emotionally unavailable fuckboys to hook up with now and then (when I really just need a human body on top of me), and my close friends who give me more emotional support than any man I’ve dated ever has. …

Here’s How to Really Get Yourself a Man! Instead of: Asking, “what are we?” Do this: Stage a robbery where he has to define your relationship at gunpoint. Instead of: Explaining to him that the socially constructed standard of beauty you feel pressured to live up to is far greater than his. Do this: Eat a salad! Instead…