In Praise of the Confident Woman

A few weeks ago, I was being called an ugly fat whore by a bunch of strangers on various social media platforms.

Whenever something like this happens at random, by multiple faceless online personas, I know that someone somewhere has made me the subject of an article or message board thread on a loathsome part of the Internet. I didn’t investigate it, but was eventually made aware of the source of my newest iteration of haters. A grown ass man, who is very obviously against feminism and body positivity, made a 27 minute long video about me. Specifically, about a comedic article I wrote for Vice where I detailed my journey of giving up men for a month. In the article, I mention fucking a dude. Now, I didn’t watch this person’s video, I just read the headline. However, judging by what his fans have had to say to me I can tell that my having sex with a guy really struck a nerve with them.

I’d like to tell you that something like this hasn’t happened to me before, but it has. This kind of thing occurs rather frequently, and it’s always from these same sort of men. I don’t know anything about them personally. However, I know that as a collective, they are misogynists (duh). Still, every time this happens, I can’t help but wonder why? Why is their hatred toward me, and other women like me, so strong? It’s obvious that their hatred goes deeper than disagreeing on principles, so what is it that’s really bugging these guys at their core? Do they even know what it is?

Here’s my guess. Now, this answer might shock you, but it’s: confidence.

A little about me, I’m a BBB (Big Bellied Bitch). I’m short, overweight, have acne, and chin whiskers that seems to grow back both faster and thicker every time I pluck them. My ass, hips, and thighs are well-equipped with cellulite and stretch marks. All this and yet, I am a confident woman. I don’t in the least bit consider myself ugly. In fact, I flaunt my body on Instagram parading myself as an Instagram slut. Sure, I have my off days, but for the most part I really do love myself and my body.

Furthermore, I fuck when I want to. Not only that, but I pick and choose who I want to fuck. I have standards, and demand my romantic partners treat me a certain way. Respectful, attentive, communicative, and all that other important crap. Sometimes I slip and let a non-committal manchild into my bedroom, but that’s fine too (as long as he eats me out).

To these men, a woman like me is not allowed to have this confidence. Actually, it’s not just these men. This shit exists on a societal level too. The general notion in place is that only a certain type of woman is allowed to be confident. She is, more often than not, a thin woman who prioritizes her beauty and puts effort into conforming to the societal ideal.

This woman has more permission to be choosy and have standards. Women like me are generally regarded as the kind who should be thankful to receive any straight man’s attention. We’re the ones who should be extra chill about being treated wrongly, feel extra self-conscious about ourselves, and act overly appreciative of a man’s affections no matter his appearance, or temperament.

Years ago, I was that non-confident woman. As I got older, I realized how fucking unfair it all was. I was repeatedly being treated poorly, having dissatisfying sex, and being made to feel like it was all somehow my fault. I broke free from that cycle and am now a big bellied bitch who is definitely full of flaws (who isn’t?), but still know what I am worth. I speak against men who want women to keep inhibiting themselves. I am open about my romantic life in hopes that other young women will learn from my mistakes so they too can work toward building up their own confidence.

The good news is that the men fighting against the rise of the confident woman are losing their battle. They know this too, which is why they’re getting louder. It’s all anger, and a good amount of projection.

If you’re one of these men, currently grinding your teeth and hate-reading this, might I suggest you take some time to reflect on what’s really bothering you deep down? Instead of wishing women like me would shut up, why don’t you take some time to work on yourself? I do it all the time, as reflected in my writing. It’s okay to go to therapy or talk to people about what you’re feeling and what your fears are. Learn compassion, and empathy. Put effort toward understanding others and you will be better understood yourself.

To end on a ridiculously corny (but true) note: you’ll be amazed at how much better life can be when you choose not to hate.