Catch The Fuck Up

Fact: More and more straight women are prepared to be single in perpetuity, so now it’s really up to you to figure out what you need to do.

I’ve got my assortment of vibrators, my unending list of emotionally unavailable fuckboys to hook up with now and then (when I really just need a human body on top of me), and my close friends who give me more emotional support than any man I’ve dated ever has. I am not afraid of the “spinster” label, which is eroding more and more of the years.

Men, you need to catch the fuck up.

As it stands now, women do so much more work than men. We are less afraid to communicate our feelings, are more observant, have higher emotional intelligence, and higher capacities for empathy. What I hate is how much this hurts us. We live in a society that deems women weak for possessing self-sacrificing qualities. We are taken advantage of, in so many facets of life, because of our greater ability to be humble and forgiving. These aren’t negative qualities, but become negative when used against us.

Let’s not simply classify it as human nature or just the way things are. There are many things we do today that defy “human nature”. It’s one of our greatest qualities as humans — our ability to think beyond animal instinct. The real issue is that heterosexual cisgender men are raised to view life as something in their control. This is taught. They are taught to be more free to decide on the things they want, and are more likely to get them.

There is less pressure on men to be introspective, which results in so many men not knowing how to process their feelings, thoughts, and actions. Their entitlement leaves them feeling more deserving of women who are, frankly, too good for them. This, however, is finally coming to a head. Your entitlement is no longer being justified. Women are finally questioning on a grander scale, what are the men in our lives actually giving back to us?

Of course, I can only speak to my personal experience with men, and I have to say, most of the ones in my life have been all of the hurtful things they claim women to be. Women are deemed dramatic, vain, and overly-sensitive. I have encountered countless men who are so dramatic, they are ready to ghost a woman the second she says or does one thing that “scares” him. I have dated many men who are so vain, they care more about what their friends think of the woman they’re dating than what they personally feel. I’ve been with men so sensitive that even the slightest criticism I might throw their way is seen as an attack, and they are quick to deem me a bitch for simply wanting to have a conversation.

Call me stuck up, or full of myself. I don’t care. The fact of the matter is, most men I interact with are not meeting my standards. As a fat woman, I am constantly told that this is not possible. It’s not possible for a man — any man — to not be good enough for me, because I am perceived as not good enough for them.

We live in a society where, because I do not fit the very specific mold of conventional attractiveness, I am seen as lower than the average male. He is not as successful as me, not as social, or as smart. Probably not as funny either. I outweigh his ass literally and figuratively, and in many categories. However, my size is all that matters in situations like these. I am automatically considered lesser. Furthermore, I am often told that maybe I am too picky, which is something I am sure a lot of women like me get told (Just so you know, it’s really goddamn annoying). This is often society’s subtle way of pointing out that we don’t have a right to have these standards.

Well, fuck that. I do. I look how I want to look, act how I want to act, and say whatever the hell I want to say. It took a lot for me to be the woman I am today, and I acknowledge that I am still learning and still flawed. However, I can confidently say that I, and many women like myself, have battled more bullshit than the average straight man. Because of it, we have come out stronger and more resilient.

It’s the combination of all these things that has forced us to gain a special sort of clarity. We see romantic relationships not as needing someone to complete us, or to become a continuation of our identity. We seek romantic partners who are on our level. Men who are equally self-aware, or are at least making an effort to be. Men who understand and truly believe that gender roles are bullshit. That physical attraction is largely socially constructed. That empathy and softness is okay, and that power is not what makes a man.

More and more of us women — eventually all women — are refusing to lower ourselves. Now, we accept the possibility of a new fate. A life where we just might have to stay single in order to be our best selves. We know who we are, what we’re worth, and what we deserve. If you can’t catch up, you’re the one who will ultimately suffer. Not us.

So, here is where I say it once more: catch the fuck up.