Why My #MeToo Story For A Book?
I was reluctant to be one of 5 men joining 50 women sharing stories of our sexual abuse, violence and rape for a book.
My biggest hesitation was being a privileged white man and suggesting that I had the same experiences of women, especially women of color, who face a daily barrage of sexism, bias and abuse. How dare I join the courageous 50 women — aged 14 to 72 — sharing their stories in the #MeToo inspired book, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
A wise editor (and now dear friend), Jyssica Schwartz shared the importance of including the stories of women AND men; people from all walks of life, race, creed, orientation and identity.
I was on board to support the project, but still hesitant to share my story so I decided to check-in with a few others, including one or two most likely to be referenced.
First I reached out to Dominique Lazanski, the young woman who as my college girlfriend is the very first person I told about my experience of sexual abuse as a child, a trauma I was reliving in nightmares since I’d left home college. Dominique is as incredible today as she was the day we met at freshman orientation. Back then, she was the one who held my hand and heart, bringing light as I fell deep into darkness. 25 years later — a college romance long behind us (as was me coming out of the closet as a gay man) we had long ago reconciled as friends, periodically checking in — and so I shared a draft of the contribution I was considering. Almost immediately came her reply, “you have to tell this story. I am so proud of you.”
There were others, like Paul L. Hokemeyer JD, PhD, Shasti Conrad, and others from an anonymous support group who previewed my story and shared their encouragement as well. Ultimately, there was one person I was certain would be uncomfortable. It wasn’t the man who had abused me as a child, nor the HIV+ men who assaulted me years later after closing up the coffeehouse where I worked at night in Washington, DC.
It was my dad.
I have put years of work to healing and recovery, choosing to live in the light, and not the darkness. Still, forever etched in my memory are the faces of my parents the day I was home from college — December 16, 1992 — and told them why I disdained the foster brother I had grown up sharing a bedroom for the better part of 7 years. With my mom now gone, taken from us at 59 by brain cancer, I feared reopening old wounds for him.
While I fidgeted in the next room, dad read my 2,307 word contribution, finally calling my name to see him. Walking into the the next room, he was sitting in his usual spot, the pages of my story fallen to his lap and slowly slipping to the floor. His eyes, red from tears, instantly locked with mine as I crossed the room and sat next to him.
From his wheelchair, he sat quietly for a moment, breaking eye contact as he looked down and let the last pages in his hands, fall to the floor. Turning back torward me, he reached out to hold my hand is his — an action remarkable on its own given the effects of Parkinson’s on his ability to move at all — and my gentle hero shared, “I am very proud of you, son. Very proud and thankful you are with me and not alone.”
In YOU ARE NOT ALONE, we are 55 voices together sharing experiences like my own, and like those of 1 in 6 American men, and 1 in 4 women also face, usually before they are adults. We share our stories voluntarily, and as part of Sexual Assault and Abuse Awareness Month (#SAAM), to provide a resource for therapists, doctors, victims and their loved ones, and ensure that #MeToo is not a moment, but a movement that will change our culture, if not the world.
Follow @WeTooBook on Twitter for more — and get a copy, in paperback and Kindle on Amazon now, and help us support RAINN, the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the country.
