A few years ago I ended things with an amazing guy because of my fear of commitment and attachment.
I saw and felt how my life started revolving around his and that scared the shit out of me. You know when you’ve been screwed over so many times, then a good thing comes along you end it before it ends you? Yeah. That’s me. So I ended things, and he naturally hated me for a while for walking away and giving up on us.
Honestly thought I’d lost him for good. I’d get random moments where I ask myself how I let such a good thing go. I’d miss him so much, when there was nothing I could do about it. Life went on, as it should. Little did I know that he also hasn’t forgotten about me. About us.
Now it’s two years later and he recently decided to just “check up” on me. In other words, I crossed his mind. In other words, he misses me. Right? RIGHT?? Lol I was so excited to hear from him, mainly because it was a sign that he doesn’t hate me anymore.. catching up was good, so much has changed since we broke up. Unfortunately he’s in another province now, so we’re basically on opposite ends of the country. Sigh.. Not another distance issue!!!
The inevitable happened. The “I miss you and what we had” conversation came up (not initiated by me, I swear!). Then the crazy idea of travelling from Limpopo to KZN, just to reconnect for a few days, came up. The excitement had been something else, but my worst fear is the future.
What happens if we decide to try again? I don’t think my heart can bear another long distance relationship. What if I take the risk? He’s worth it, but what if I get hurt? Or worse, what if we don’t find what we had, no matter how hard we try to look for it? I have as many fears as I have hopes.
This is a man who loved me and made me feel it all the time.
I know it’s too much to ask for, but I want it all back. As it was. Like I never left..