Hello, America? It’s the Avocados Calling!

Hello,

Hello, it’s me. Are you there?

you have reached the-

I guess you’re not there.

office of the-

I will just leave a message.

President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

BEEP

Hi, I am an avocado from Mexico. I was hoping you had a minute to talk about the future of the wall and listen to a few of our concerns? I know what you’re thinking. How did an avocado get my number?!? You actually gave it out on Twitter, and you know how those screenshots will get you.

Any who, avocados are the creamy and delicious fruit that have made every American food from sandwiches to milkshakes better. However, as a politically informed avocado, I have some thoughts on this “wall” idea. For starters — -

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

Haha, got cut off. As I was saying. I have always dreamed of moving up into the northern star-spangled beyond, but then I heard the news. Wall being built! Sad! My family never used to be popular. We were just a normal fruit making our way down town, growing fast, shipping trucks pass, and we were home bound. Then the white Americans finally found us. Oh, happy day! We were fit to eat! In the past few years I have seen many family members carefully chosen and sent up to America. I couldn’t wait until my turn would come! However, there are — -

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

You really should lengthen your message time. I am discussing important issues, and all you seem to be concerned with is how short you can get your message. Not everything needs to be only 140 characters, you know!

Now, there are other ways for us to be valuable to society besides food. We could be used for clothing. Our creamy texture could perhaps be used as a dye, and our tough skin, which usually lets crude comments roll right off it, can be used as a textile. There is already a multitude of Pinterest pages devoted to our non-seasonal uses! You people don’t have easy-to-understand immigration laws, but you sure know how to create a Pinterest page.

Just, for the love of God, don’t use our tough exterior to build the wall. I would literally explode (and that is not as delicious as it sounds). American fruit may look more familiar and have less debate behind it, but isn’t what you really want South of the border? We have started as an immigrant fruit, but we can be so much more. We just need — —

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

Ok, this is starting to annoy me. How is anyone supposed to get ahold of you if you let everything just go to your machine? Do you even check these messages? It is almost like you don’t want to discuss foreign policy!

As I was saying, we just need a chance. I always enjoyed that we brought a bit of home with us to America, while contributing to society. I thought we were all getting along well. But apparently, we are too different now. One big change in the past year, and now it is time to shut us out completely?!? Our peelings are a different colour than the native fruit, we create different food tastes, and our colouring is too vibrant for some areas of America. It is ridiculous that you prefer us to be blended, then put on top of a pizza for all the world to see our true colours. Isn’t diversity what your country was built on?! It should matter — -

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

I’ve had about enough of this shit! I am trying to have a calm and organized discussion without you and you just keep cutting me off! It should matter on what you taste like inside, and not what your colour is! Add a little spice (not the of the Sean-variety) and green to your All-American red, white, and blue. It seems like no matter how many of us come, and no matter how we contribute to society, you are always trying to keep us out. We just want — -

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

Seriously?!? That frigging BEEP is driving me up a wall! Your wall, specifically, because it seems like every time I try to make a valid point you cut me off. You know, we just want a bit of acceptance. I know that you are supposedly busy. I bet running a full-time Twitter account, while dropping into the White House to check on Ivanka and Jared can be tiring. But, all we are asking for is — -

BEEP

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

Cut that out!! We only want your flipping “American Dream!” We do everything for you people! We will enter fast food chains. If that isn’t American, I don’t know what is. We will be used for a fraction of the price of the American fruits. We are getting bigger and bigger in size, to follow your lead. Do you know how hard that is on our shapes? We are getting so round now. You are our focus. As long as we get driven across the border.

BEEP

ARE YOU JOKING RIGHT NOW? THIS IS FU — -

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

Listen up! We don’t want to be forced to climb over a wall, but we are coming to America whether you build your frigging wall or not, so you can just deal with it! Cutting us off completely is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard, and I am a just a fruit. If I can figure that out, why can’t y — -

BEEP

IF YOU SAY THAT DAMN MESSAGE ONE MORE T — -

Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message after the beep.

FOR SHIT’S SAKE! JUST DON’T BUILD IT!!!

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