Eight days of hate
Jamesh D
11

Poetry is tricky to write. At least in my opinion I think this poem is more like a draft. The premise is interesting but it lacks poetry techniques that would have improved the poem.

A diction pattern is usually difficult to establish correctly with several multi-syllabic words. Whether the poem is a sonnet or a free verse, meter matters because it affects the diction of the poem. Multi-syllabic words are often more difficult and complex to scan correctly, hence why it’s difficult to write with them. I think this poem lacks a comprehensive meter which is causing the diction to seem rather unpleasant. I suggest reading the poem out loud and then ready a notable, renowned poem. You should feel the difference in smoothness.

You use some interesting illustrations. One of my favorite illustrations comes from lines 3 and 4. I feel like you could have stuck with the image and trickle it down into the other stanzas. The words “passion, anger, and ignorance” are rather vague. The next two lines are interesting, “A holy sacrament, / Drink these down to purify the nation”. I presume the description of line 5 is what holy sacrament means. “The people” from stanza 1 are the people who are shoving holy sacraments down people’s throats, I think. A connection is lost between stanza 1 and 2 which comes from — in my opinion — poor organization of the poem. Stanza 3 ties the actions of stanza 1 and 2 and conclude the actions by suggesting the myriad of religions on earth are breeding more hatred and intolerance. Poor diction and organization are hurting the transition between lines 10 and 11. The lines sound like they should belong in different poems because the diction between them is incredibly different, thus jarring. The last stanza suffers the most problems. Unfortunately, the story from the first stanza has been completely lost by now and transitioned into a vague idea. I am presuming the hatred evolved so much that people are either promoting or committing violence in spite of law that prohibits it to prevent the hatred. Thus, everyone deserves the nonstop, hateful outcome. Confusion, vagueness, and poor diction and organization hamper the powerful meaning behind the poem.

You need to decide what kind of a poem it should be. Is it a poem that tells a story? Is it a poem that relays ideas? Try to use punctuation too unless you have a specific reason to not use any. Organize the poem so that each line and stanza connects with the last. Maybe try to condense the poem into a haiku (or more appropriately a Senryu) and then try to write a sonnet. I think doing so will help you organize your thoughts better and improve your diction. If you decide to rewrite this as a free verse then I am sure you could up with an improved version.

Regardless of my critique, I truly think this poem has merit. You offer unique stylistic illustrations and play with a subject matter in a fascinating way. Creators can work with merit and effort. I see and read too many poems that were created without such a foundation, and those poems are the ones that offer nothing new. Still I Rise by Maya Angelou is about a subject matter everyone tries to write about, but few authors penetrate a sense of awe with. Anyway, best of luck.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.