Autumn’s Lullaby
Ardsheer Ali
251

This is one of the better poems. You tried to give the reader an image, rather telling the reader how to feel.

I think you considered scansion. If you didn’t then know that you inadvertently mostly followed the rule of thumb for scansion: pyrrhics are followed by spondees and visa-versa. Also, I think you made an attempt to rhyme, although I don’t think you have a specific pattern.


Across a sea of golden grass
The wind whistles beneath a brumous sky
And drifting past the trees it sings
A lonely autumn’s lullaby

She dances to a woozy waltz
A bold admission of denial
Of the pernicious vicissitudes of life
And sends them away a thousand miles

The leaves turn to an ember glow
They burn with passion, with desire
Alas, such moments are forever fleeting
A frosty breeze douses the fire

And I dive into the wistful winter
With the painful secrets I struggle to keep
I fear I’ve become too weak and weary
As autumn’s lullaby soothes me to sleep.

Note: Bold = stress syllable / no bold = unstressed


My one suggestion is to quit using so many adverbs and adjectives.

Examples: Golden grass, brumous sky, lonely autumn’s, woozy waltz.

Think of another way to describe what you want to say.

An Example:

Original: She dances to a woozy waltz

Possibility: The waltz ignores the drunk adrift


The Story

The narrator seems to want to share his secrets (line 14) with someone but no one is willing to listen to them.

I imagine this is happening in a park near an ocean. The narrator describes the sky as brumous, which is an acid. So I don’t think he is looking at the sky as a good omen. He describes autumn’s lullaby as lonely. Yet for some reason he sees a woman carelessly dancing and accuses her to know nothing about the ills people experience around her. Presumably, he wants her to take notice of his loneliness. For a minute he becomes spellbound by a similar passion and careless feeling. Just as how autumn is a sign of winter he snaps back from his warm feeling to his cold and desolate state. Then after reading the last two lines I realized that autumn’s lullaby is the sound of winter coming.


Overall, I simply like the poem.

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