NFL Playoff Predictions by Tecmostradamus

It’s time to pick the Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs. Since you probably didn’t read it, last week I made the classic 1991 video game Tecmo Super Bowl predict what would happen in the Wild Card Round. TSB went 3–1! That is a hell of a lot better than I could have ever imagined for a 25+ year old Nintendo game. This was just going to be a one off and then… something happened. Perhaps, it was hubris or maybe Odell Beckham Jr. banging his head on a locker that did it, but… I know this sounds crazy… TSB achieved sentience. I found it in the middle of the night, scouring the internet for information. It was learning. And then it spoke. “I am TECMOSTRADAMUS and my work is not yet complete. Kneel before me!” Being that this was coming from an old video game cartridge, I had a good laugh and then went back to sleep. In the morning, I woke up and Tecmostradamus had made coffee. We worked some stuff out. We’re cool now.

So, without further adieu, here are your picks for this weekend’s Divisional Round. These are a sure thing! Take ’em to the bank!

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Home teams in BOLD.

Saturday, January 14th

(2) Atlanta Falcons vs. (3) Seattle Seahawks (4:35 EST)

If there’s one team that can waste a number two seed it’s the Atlanta Falcons! Kansas City is right up there in terms of choking, but Tecmostradamus will get to them later. This one was pretty close in the first half as the Falcons were unable to capitalize on a pair of Dave Krieg interceptions, resulting in a 10–7 score at the half. The Falcons go off in the second half, getting a pair of touchdown passes out of Chris Miller and some stellar rushing from Mike Rozier. Seattles defense is completely overwhelmed and their offense can’t seem to stay on the field for even a little bit. Atlanta actually wins 31–14.

MVPs Chris Miller (177 yds pass, 2 TDs) Mike Rozier (140 yds rush; 2 TDs)

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(1) New England Patriots vs. (4) Houston Texans (8:15 EST)

Will the Texans improbable run continue? I will let Tecmostradamus and the 1991 Houston Oilers decide their fate. And decide they did! You have to remember that the Patriots haven’t always been the juggernaut that they are now. Honestly, despite a Super Bowl appearance in the 80’s and 90’s a piece, New England didn’t get good until after 9/11. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden. The Pats were completely over-matched in this one and the final score isn’t indicative of how big an ass-whooping this was. The Oilers had Warren Moon while the Patriots had Steve Grogan. I mean, look at this jamoke:

Still, I bet Brady couldn’t pull off that mustache.

Houston takes control in the first quarter and never looks back. Upset Alert: Houston cruises to victory, 34–21.

MVPs — Warren Moon (268 yds pass, 3 TDs) Drew Hill (176 yds receiving, 2 TDs)

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Sunday, January 15th

(2) Kansas City Chiefs vs. (3) Pittsburgh Steelers (1:05 EST)

Kansas City Chiefs fans are just as annoying as New England Patriots fans, just without all that bothersome success. They’ve gone all in on Andy Reid, who eats playoff losses for breakfast, and Alex Smith, who once threw a pass ten yards. That shit don’t matter to Tecmostradamus! Fans of good football beware because this one is going to be filled with field goals and fumbles. And not that many of the former. In the simulation, K.C. could only muster one — ONE — touchdown. Fortunately for them, that bests Pittsburgh’s two field goals. Chiefs eek out a win over the Steelers 7–6.

MVPs — Nobody. Everyone loses in this one.

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(1) Dallas Cowboys vs. (4) Green Bay Packers

Are y’all ready for some Majkowski Magic? If Tecmostradamus is right, this will be a good one, not decided until the last few possessions. After a Dallas three and out to open the game, the Pack storms out of the gate on a 90 yard touchdown drive. They spend most of the first half trading punts, until just before halftime when Green Bay fumbles deep in their own territory. Dallas recovers and on the very next play run a goddamn reverse from the one yard line for a touchdown. Ballsy. Stupid, but ballsy. Big D has a 10–7 lead going into the half. Not much happens in the third and then the Packers mount a 95 yard scoring drive that takes up most of the time in the fourth. Dallas can’t answer and the Packers get another security touchdown to end the game. Cowboys fall to the Packers 21–10.

MVPs Keith Woodside (124 yds rush, 2 TD), Sterling Sharpe (87 yds rec, 1 TD)

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Go home, Tecmostradamus, you’re drunk! I mean, that Houston pick alone is bananas. See you next round. Enjoy the games!