THE WILD WOMAN WITHIN
Why do I deny my wildness? I see her strong, hair out, body limber, she walks with purpose. She communes with the animals, grounded to mother earth, and speaks the language of the wind. She is a traveler, a roamer, she can call any place home, as long as she has a place to lay her head and commune with the Goddesses. She can be any place where she feels like herself, and is accepted by all, accepted for who she is, and revered for who she is not. Why do we deny the most natural, authentic side of us? Why do we shun her, overlook, and degrade? Why do we make fun of, tease her out of us, and then wonder why we feel so empty, so disconnected, angry and confused? Why do we deny this most precious aspect of ourselves? Why do we allow others to tame her and then control her? Why do we haplessly give her away to the “highest” bidder? He liked it, so I gave her to him. Why do we abandon her on the side of the road, and never look back? Why are we so afraid of her?
When I went exploring, searching for what was missing from my life, I realized it was the wild woman I had packed up and put away. I was willing to subdue my spirit, numb my mind, disregarded my talent, and deny my intellect in order to fit in. Fitting in was safe, it meant friends, it meant security, it meant acceptance, it meant “survival” but at what cost? I knew something was missing, something deep, infinite, and pure. I knew I was denying myself the right to be a full dynamic woman with desires, needs and wants. I so desperately wanted to live a big life that was worthy of me, that was worthy of her, but I did not know it at the time, or I did and ignored it. When I finally reached the point where I could no longer stand the person I had created for others comfortability I went in search for the missing piece, the piece I so longed to reconnect with.
So I began to look, look for what was missing. Was it the “right” job? Was it the “right” relationship? I tried both, and neither felt very satisfying, in fact both felt limiting. They both came with rules and obligations that I couldn’t fulfill which made me feel worse about myself. Was it the “right” friendships? This was not it either, I felt I had to conform into a person that would be loved, accepted and seen, which often blew up in my face, when I couldn’t show up for my friends the way they wanted me to, these relationships tended to end messily leaving both sides feeling unfulfilled. So what was it? What was missing that had me feeling so disconnected from my life and myself? And then it dawned on me:
All this time I thought I was trying to find myself only to learn that she was here all along, I had covered her with shit that never served me, she was waiting patiently, quietly and not so quietly for me to unearth her. For me to marvel at her beauty and perfection. For she was perfect, flaws and all. I never had to become anything, I was already something, I just had to fall madly in love with her.
For so long I have been fighting my true nature. Afraid of not being accepted for who I was, wanting so badly to fit into the societal norm of what it meant to be a girl, a young adult, a young woman, and now a woman. I desperately tried to fit the mold that was made for me, but it never fit. It hurt to squeeze myself into this little box they had created for me. My glee would quickly turn to pain, but when I looked up all eyes were on me, they were expecting something, and I wanted to deliver, so I would get low, make myself small, breathe in my pain, internalize it, anything to be accepted. But as I’ve become older I realized that my flighty tendencies, my curiosity, my playfulness, my generosity, my love, my sensuality, my sexuality, my devotion, my heart, my wildness was what made me me. I was willing to compromise everything for the love of others, meanwhile I hated myself more and more everyday, but the moment I chose to love and accept myself for everything I was and everything I wasn’t, was the moment the tide turned. I accepted my wild heart, I leaned into it. It no longer mattered if all eyes were on me, I sprang out of that box with a quickness, promising to never betray myself again.
I am innately wild. It is my true nature, buried deep inside me. Locked away in a room, that can only be opened with the key of my truth, but my truth is still unknown to me. I dig deep, for i fear there is something more. I’m afraid I will miss my life, I vow to die, in order to be reborn again.