Saying Yes to No!

#The100DayProject
(Torturous) day two of #JPsLateNightScribbles

You’ve most definitely made a dash for it when you walk past those pesky irritatingly well-placed kiosks in the malls. Yup, well those daylight robbery stalls were created with me as their target market. I’ll be the one to buy the damned Dead Sea salt scrubs and I’ll even get the straightener from that creepy pervert with the slicked-back shiny hair asking me if he can “show me someseeeeng”.

You see, there are people-pleasers and then there are people-pleasers of the worst case. And I have, for the most of my adult life, been stuck knee-deep in the second pushover-filled category. I cringed while typing that out.

Trapped between that excessive urge to be agreeable and the fear of being disliked: there, I said it. And don’t go clicking your tongue in disappointment at me like I’m covered with grime. There are so many of you out there stuck in the same trench, unable to say NO.

Two letters. One word. Endless drama.
NO.

Why do many of us find it SO painfully difficult to say? In fact, we have even found polite, watered-down and sometimes even ‘positive alternates’ (ha! the paradox) to saying no. Any levelheaded adult should find it easy not to get walked over. And yet, there are some of us who will listen to you rant about your troubled relationship and prepare dinner for you all while babysitting your fat-arsed 15-year-old. Heck, while we’re at it, we’ll even walk your dog when we’re done. (Because you know, on the priority list of my life, I’m right down there, below the pet.)

The problem lies in the assumption that people-pleasing is in some way valiant. A heroic form of charity, even, and a kind of security wherein the more we contribute to others’ lives, the more we’d get back — giving to get. That pursuit of constantly catering to everyone else where you slowly but surely start losing touch with yourself. And in order to keep up that front, all of that disgruntlement slowly creeps back up in the form of passive-aggressive behaviour and unnecessary angry spurts combined with a depleting sense of self-worth and that corrosive feeling of guilt. Basically, a molotov cocktail of crap.

Look I am no Robin Sharma but I know that creating boundaries for ourselves without spiralling into a black hole of guilt is an indispensable skill to develop, both on the home and work fronts. And the first step is to uncover what your personal limits are and accepting that you can be a cooperative and proactive woman without having to be a doormat. I can wax lyrical about standing up for yourself and taking care of your soul (or something deep along those lines) but I think the focus remains on whether or not you allow others to determine the image you have of yourself. Geez, come to think of it, that’s a whole lot of power over our happiness that we’re basically handing over to others. For free. *gasp* (Yes I’m sindhi.)

Few of us seek conflict by saying ‘no’, but at the same time, can you really visualise life without it? Sure, launching an emotional blitzkrieg by refusing to do something isn’t an easy position to be in. But in line with what qualities would you be doing it? Respect? Integrity? Honesty? Sure. I’ll take those. In fact, come to think of it, sometimes “no” might just be the most honourable and respectful thing to say to someone…

Say it.
N. O. 
“No!” 
Say it!

There you go.

X,
Jyoti