This Pussy is Closed.

My journey through the world of Abstinence as a Millennial.

Keara Douglas
Apr 26 · 13 min read
Photography provided by Death to Stock

As of right now, I am four months into my abstinence journey. If you don’t already know, abstinence is not the same as celibacy. Abstinence is when you’ve had sex before in your lifetime and have decided that you’re no longer having sex anymore either for a short amount of time or could be years at a time. Some even wait to have sex again once they’ve become married. Celibacy is when you have never had sex before ever in your lifetime and don’t plan on having sex ever until you’re married.

What made me go down the abstinence path of life?
Well many reasons are a contributing factor to my decision to basically close my pussy. Yes, this pussy is closed as of the moment and I don’t have any desire to open it back up anytime soon.

Reasons for my Abstinence

  1. The Hoe Phase — I had a really bad time period after my grandmother passed away that I am completely ashamed of, I’m not going to lie or sugar coat anything in this article just a heads up. I am just going to be completely transparent and honest here, I had a significant increase in non-monogamous sexual activities when the leading lady of my life passed away. I had been through deaths of close people before in my life which kind of contributed to the build up of sexual desires of coping. With the passing of my grandmother, it was like the icing on the cake to top things off for me. This was really my first time having someone extremely close to me pass away. Even though she prepared me and my family for it beforehand, it still hit hard for me that she wasn’t there for me to call and talk to for hours anymore. She wouldn’t be there anymore to guide me away from bad things, including male attention anymore. This led me into a downward spiral for about a couple months to almost a full year. I began to crave male attention at a much higher rate than I ever have. Along with that came a lot of alcohol consumption as well in which if you know me personally this is bad. I’m not a heavy drinker so that meant during that time period when I would drink, I made sure I was drunk drunk. There was no limit, unless I was driving or transporting myself somewhere. For me, that male attention mixed in with the increase of alcohol consumption somewhat numbed the pain of mourning for me. I didn’t have to think about anything while laying there getting it in which was the whole purpose. I was looking to fill a void which was the absolute wrong way of going about filling any voids in my life. This came at a bad cost. Having a mindset of using sex to numb pains means that there was not just one man I was dealing with at one time. There were multiple ones for multiple times of the day and multiple days of the week. I had no intentions of being monogamous at all. It hurts to even think back on the destruction I could’ve caused myself but we all live and learn. Most people refer to this stage in life for a female as the hoe phase in which I can agree this really was a phase for me that I am happy I have got through safely.
  2. Boredom — I’m not sure what was going on with the fellas or myself, or my generation of millennials as a whole, but in my personal opinion sex has become extremely boring. I guess with my generation we are on this rush of life right now. Everything is literally being rushed and pushed to move as fast as possible, which means even sexual activities are being rushed. For me, besides my brief hoe phase mentioned in number one, I enjoy passionate intimate moments. I like those moments where I can dress up in lingerie for my man and surprise him after his long day of work. I like role playing and having thought out sexual moments. But right now no one is really and truly on that wave anymore. There is no thought put into sexual moments with significant others anymore. Everyone seems to be on this wave of getting theirs and going which has become boring for me, and a waste of time.
  3. Waste of Time — Sex just seems like a waste of time right now. That hour, or less, spent laying there, not being satisfied and faking the desire could have went towards me making some money or bettering my craft. I guess I don’t really see the true meaning of having casual sex anymore. There’s a lack of satisfaction with casual sex right now for me.
  4. Constant Lack of Satisfaction — I am not satisfied at all. Not throwing shade at anyone from my past, but I haven’t truly been satisfied sexually in a while now. For multiple years now. Again, as mentioned before, everything is being rushed sexually, including getting me into bed so that particular man I may be entertaining at the time has no idea what I even like or dislike. He just assumes if he goes faster or harder he’s doing a great job when that’s not true at all. Every woman doesn’t like the same things and it seems like some men just don’t understand that. It’s like some don’t know how to please a woman and have no desire to learn how to truly please one. I have tried before informing the men I have entertained in the past about my lack of satisfaction with them sexually but of course they didn’t listen to me. They only wanted to satisfy themselves and not me so again it was a waste of time.
  5. STD Spikes — Right now, where I am located (South Carolina) we have the third highest STD rate in the United States as of 2019. South Carolina has the fifth-highest rate of chlamydia cases in the United States. South Carolina has the fourth highest rate of gonorrhea. South Carolina STDs rates are spiking so bad and higher here than any other state in the United States that there have been reports of new strains of STDs developing on their own that health departments don’t even know how to treat. Of course, I’m all for being free and exploring your sexuality but I can’t get down with the fact that my generation and even older generations are being extremely careless when it comes to having sex with one another. Everyone is glorifying having sex with no protection, and/or having sex with both genders and having multiple partners while also not using protection. This isn’t cool for me. This isn’t cool for anyone. All it takes is having sex with the wrong one just one time and now you’re HIV positive or even worse, you’re in your last stages of and your life has been cut short due to AIDS.
  6. Too Much Drama — When you’re not in a monogamous relationship, sex can be more of an aggravation dealing with multiple partners (safely of course) and what they want you to do when they want you to do it. I became extremely aggravated with my choice of men and my type of men that I prefer. Because I had already been sleeping with them and had already seen that raw side of them, and I hate to say it, but I was never interested in anything else they had to offer or had going on with their lives after that. The same way with a man, if he lays you down too soon he won’t take you serious, well that began to happen for me over time with men. I learned from example from men how to treat a man like he’s easy just like a man would treat a woman whom they feel as though they have had sex with quicker than normal. The quicker I was able to get into a man’s pants, the less I respected him as a man. He now became a sexual object in my eyes only to be used when I had that itch that needed to be scratched in the words of actress Issa Rae. This more than likely led to drama on my end. When you don’t take a person serious, you’re not going to take their complaints serious. You’re not even going to listen to them at all. So when I would complain about being mistreated for example, it would go into one ear of that particular man at the time and out the other ear within a matter of seconds. He didn’t respect me at all because I gave it up with no substance or better intentions for having him in my life and I didn’t respect him at the same time because he offered me that other side of him with no hesitation.
  7. Tired of Being Disrespected — Me disrespecting myself became more drama for myself. I wasn’t happy at all with me and it showed by the type of men I would entertain…and they knew it too. Men can smell when a woman doesn’t like herself and doesn’t have any respect for herself and they will use that to their advantage, but only if he doesn’t care about himself either. A real man won’t even give you the time of day if he can sense you don’t even like yourself because if you don’t like you then you don’t like others either. It got to a point where I wanted more for me. I was getting in my own way and causing more than necessary problems for me and I hated it deep down. I wanted to learn how to love myself more and better once 2019 got here four months ago while also wanting to learn how to teach others how to treat me better as well in a healthy manner. This has led me to lead my life better by example for myself.
  8. Disappointment From Older Women — Now I know what they say, grown folks gone do grown folks things but at this point in my late twenties I am officially grown whether my bank account amount at this moment matches my age group or not (inserts chuckle of laughter). The IRS considers me a grown adult so I can speak on this without fears of being slapped back into tomorrow like back in the day. I watched as some women older than me that are apart of the generation that has come before mine, which would be my parent’s generation, become hyper sexual. This means that they centered everything around a man including their jobs and how they made moves in life and it disgusted me for some time. I have literally watched how some older women have even neglected their own children’s needs and livelihoods for the attention of a man. I have watched how some older women have become so caught up in a man’s attention that they’ve even stooped so low as to messing around with their own daughter or even nieces’ significant others. I watched as some would even be mistreated by the men they loved blatantly, only to keep quiet in order for them to have that one ability to say that they had a man. When I was younger I didn’t understand why these type of women were so anxious about having the attention of a man constantly. I knew it wasn’t right and it wasn’t setting a good example for young women like myself that were naturally looking up to older women for guidance in life. I didn’t understand why they weren’t setting up their lives for themselves first before inviting someone else into it. As I got older, I realized those type of women were truly cursed. It is true when you lay down with someone you’re exchanging energy and building soul attachments. These women had grown an attachment to either one trash man sexually or multiple trash men and couldn’t break free from them. They in fact didn’t have great examples of how to be a real woman growing up either, so these toxic cycles were just repeating themselves per generation of women. The desire to have a constant sex partner became an addiction overtime that they couldn’t break. Which leads me to my next reasoning….
  9. Hyper Sexual — I’m not sure if this is the correct term or not, but I consider a person who overly desires sex on a disturbing level as a hyper sexual. This is someone, to me, who can’t go a week with having sex, sometimes not even a day, and on other disturbing cases can’t go an hour without it. This ties into having a sexual addiction as well. Right now, there is an increase of sexual exposure due to technology growing so big so fast in a short time frame. If you turn on the television, marketing companies have even turned food commercials into a sexual experience. Children’s cartoons have an increase in sexual references. The media is banking off of sex because as we all know sex sells just like controversy sells if not more. For me, personally, this has become disturbing. I feel like this increase in sexual exposure has led to an increase in sexually related crimes like rapes and molestations around our country. The increase in sexual things and references is like a brainwashing technique being used to lesson the importance of the true meaning of having sex with one person to create a new being and to further new and healthy generations. To me, sex is not that important but for others it is on a disturbing level which turns me off from it all together.
  10. Distractions — Sex with a person can either be a motivating factor or a huge distraction. For me, sex was being used as a distraction. Whenever I would think about the loses I have taken in my life or something bad going on with my life, that is when I would have a desire to be sexual. I don’t think sex for me has truly ever been seen by me as a way of showing love because deep down I have never truly been loved correctly and healthily by a man before. Those small elementary, middle and high school puppy love occasions don’t count here. I’m talking about being truly loved as an adult. That has never happened for me thus far in my life. I have had many occasions where I was told I was loved by a man but the actions never matched up. Again, they were after the same short filled waves of dissatisfaction just like me. There have been times where a man has told me that he loves me and cares for me, but once the sex happened, all that love and care went out the window. This meant again they were only after the sex not me as a person.
  11. Side Chick Syndrome — Lets face it, the side chick syndrome is real. This is where you as a female somehow or another end up being the side chick of an already developed, dysfunctional relationship. Sometimes we as women are cool with being on the side which isn’t right, and sometimes we end up being placed in that position unknowingly. Of course, I have been down this road as well, but unknowingly. I have never agreed to being a side piece for a soul but there has been one occasion where a man, well a boy I thought was a man, dropped me into this position without consulting me about whether I wanted to take on that dirty role of life beforehand. Being a side chick is a dirty game. Many don’t know how to be one correctly and I am one of those women. I don’t want just a part of a man, and I’m definitely not happy or cool with sharing a man with another grown woman, this is how diseases are spread between parties. When I realized there are more than just a few women who know they are side chicks and are cool with it, I began to back up from not only having sex but rushing into relationships as well. You honestly don’t know what a person has going on nowadays so it’s best for me to get to know someone before going down that road of agreeing to be with them. People truly will show their hand and who they are in the very beginning of your interactions with them, we just as people and women specifically have to pay attention and take one another for who they truly are upfront versus trying to paint them as a pretty picture.

My abstinence journey has taught me a lot about myself, like self-discipline more than anything. I feel more in control of my life. Now, when I say no to something, I mean no. Not any ifs, ands, or buts, just flat out no. No full explanations for my no. When I say I’m not doing something, I don’t do it period. I find myself not going back on my word at all right now compared to back in the day when I would give exceptions to the rules I set for myself. I don’t feel attached to anyone or anything right now. Most of my attachments to men that aren’t truly a friend or family have stemmed through sex and sex only, so once I cut sex out of my life completely I don’t hear from them at all. They are not a need in my life, nor a want at this point. They are no longer apart of my life and to be honest it feels amazing right now. I wish them all the best and of course don’t have anything against them but they can’t offer me anything but sex in which I don’t want so I don’t truly have any reason to have them around anymore. I don’t feel any weights holding me down. That burden of how I felt after having sex with someone I have never seen a future with really has made me feel bad in the past. I don’t feel watched constantly anymore. Sexual partners often get carried away with feelings after the fact. Some are cool with just doing the do and moving forward in life and others become delusional and think they are the only one. I have had multiple instances where a man I would simply just be kicking it with would get mad if my phone rung or a text came through while I was with him. It could be my mother and he would automatically think it was another man (sometimes it really was another man). Right now, I don’t have to deal with any of those unnecessary feelings and constant arguments. I can call and text as many people as I want to and at any time of the day without those false (sometimes true) assumptions happening. I don’t feel used and abused for the satisfaction of another human being. We have talked about my After Effects of Emotional Abuse before and how I have had a long and hard time adjusting after that very terrible time period. During that time period, sex was used against my greater good by the one man that I actually truly loved and wanted more to come from than just sex. I don’t ever have to deal with that type of pain anymore. I’m not being mistreated by any man at the moment which has led to more happiness overall. My happiness is more internally created now than external which means that happy feeling I’m feeling is lasting longer overtime for me than when I would look for enjoyment and happiness through another human being filling my voids.

I guess you can say, I am growing up and what once mattered to me and was a big deal for my life is no longer a factor period in my life.

Inspired by The Raw Dosage — 67 Days No Sex

Credits:
Charlotte Observor
Medium

Keara Douglas

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I write to make me happy and to let others know they are not alone.