— Tone It Way Down, Jabroni

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The stuff you enjoy pumping out — the noises, facial expressions, and smells — will soon be perceptible to “other people.” These killjoys may construe your behavior as unprofessional, problematic, or even as some weaksauce.


Without a camera and microphone to control, you’ll attract notice every time you do things. The office is a livestream you cannot pause or mute. It’s the unfortunate reality of reality.

I like my current routine. Can’t I just keep it?

You can try. To avoid the resumption of practices like deodorants and toothbrushes, simply refer to them as “lifestyle choices” or “capitalist demagoguery.”…


An Editorial Inspired by Tucker Carlson

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There’s no ideal more American than freedom of speech, so I pen some words today to insist that everyone must STOP speaking to us about our speech. I think my words represent a lot of us when I say that we are offended that our comments about “lynching” or “the China virus” or “storming the Capitol” are called “incendiary.” For anyone to say anything out loud against our speech is a shocking affront to our basic liberties. People must cease and desist suggestions that we refrain from using the unimportant words that are important for us to use. …

Implications Could Affect As Many As 32 People Globally

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In groundbreaking research, scientists have confirmed their long-standing suspicion that Celtic and punk have no business together. The classification, Celtic Punk, gained traction during the 1980’s because someone’s cousin Doug heard The Pogues on college radio.

The new revelation has sent shockwaves through hardly any communities. As many as 3 to 4 bands worldwide could be forced to make up their minds.

In previous studies, researchers failed to unravel why the name felt bad. For example, in one attempt, scientists dropped the phrase Celtic punk into casual conversation. It triggered subjects to retract their heads into their necks like something…


One Woman’s Unexpected Rise to Neighborhood Influencer

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It happens daily. Anyone lucky enough to spot me walking my teacup Yorkie-poo swerves from traffic, shrieking, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Other drivers honk and flip the bird, but my admirers don’t care because this is akin to glimpsing an angel or Tom Hanks. They lean out. They click their tongues, like, Wow! Shirley at the office is not going to believe it. Such is my magnetism, even incognito, behind sunglasses, a mask, and a coat that resembles a packable down bathrobe.

The fact that I work all day from the same couch cushion as…

Whether you live by yourself or simply fantasize about it, create New Year’s magic completely alone in the privacy of your home with these great products. These state-of-the-art items will allow you to sidestep common NYE pitfalls such as itchy sparkly outfits, unattainable resolutions, counting backward in public, and the dreaded midnight kiss with someone nearby

Ionic Neck Brace: Are you tired of holding your head up? While that freeloading bone ball used to be the ambassador to your body, no one can see it anymore behind your mask. Your head does little to deserve its place atop your body…

K.E. Flann

Work in McSweeney’s, The Weekly Humorist, and elsewhere. Forthcoming: How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Cyborgs, and Other Monsters.

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