She Had A Crush On Her

I’ve been beating myself up forever about this. About her.

I never realized that it could happen to me, that I could fall in love with someone who wasn’t a guy, but it happened. First, I was in love with her brother. And then he fell out of love and I rebounded with another guy. That didn’t turn out well. I pissed him off and I admit, it ended kind of fucked up and it was mainly my fault. I went through ups and downs of being alone. I’d listen to music that made me think of him, my first boyfriend. His face, his eyes, his smile… It still haunts me. Sometimes I still can’t look at pictures of him on Facebook without having to turn away. Because the sight of him hurts. He hurts me. All those false hopes and lies that he had whispered in my ear. They were fake. So beautifully fake.

But then I realized something was happening. As I got over him, I started liking his sister. Something about her was different compared to him. I knew that I loved both of them for their character, not just their looks, when I first started talking to him. Looks do attract me to begin with, but I’m not one to base my relationships solely on appearances. She was understanding, still wanted to see me, seemed to enjoy my company… She made me laugh and I felt no pressure with her. I shared things and it felt comfortable. I hugged her and it felt right… Then it started feeling too right. I wanted to stay there, hugging her. I didn’t want to let go.

And just last night, she found out. I had spent the evening with her and she text me a few minutes later. Normally she doesn’t do that, but she did and so when I opened her message, my stomach dropped and my heart stopped beating.

“Hey. Man, can I ask you something? Okay, I’m going to ask anyways, even if you don’t reply. You wouldn’t happen to have a crush on me would you?”…

I felt my face heat up and turn red. She had guessed. I had wondered how long it would be before she sensed something. Apparently, it’s been some time. My tight hugs, a certain vibe. It scared the hell out of me. I almost shit myself. But what scared me even more was when I asked her how she felt… And she said she didn’t like me that way. I wasn’t expecting anything. She likes someone else, but it still crushed a small hope inside me that there might be something more there.

For 16 years, I’ve grown up believing gay is wrong. That loving the same gender is wrong. But it’s not. Love is love. And she told me that I need to stop beating myself up. That I need to be myself. It almost made me cry when she said that. It was my own advice, but coming from her…

I told her that it was no big deal and that she didn’t need to worry about liking me or not liking me or feeling bad. Her response was, “But it’s out now isn’t it?”

Shit. It was. And there was no going back. There is no going back. I have a crush on her and I wish she had one back. When I hug her it feels nice and comfortable and real. It felt that way with her brother and it was at the time because I loved him. But I guess I’ve moved on? Because I love her and have for a little while, even though I haven’t wanted to admit it.

I will love someone for who they are and their character, not for their gender.

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