]As a tradition for the past…4 years? It’s time to do my annual recap.

I wish I could have written one every year of my life. It sucks that I wasn’t able to save my previous ones and am only left with 2014 and 2015. But I’ll keep this til I die.

Approximately 22 hours and 57 minutes until 2016 is here. Crazy…

This year has been a complete uphill challenge. Life doesn’t go the way you plan it, but if life was predictable it would be boring. I came into 2015 so optimistic in some sense…optimistic was the word of 2015. Optimism.

I didn’t stick by it at times, but what can you do? You’re only human. Especially dealing with emotions and feelings you’ve never encountered? Can’t say I’m to blame necessarily. It’s just a learning experience.

I just finished reading 2014. Doesn’t even feel like it’s me typing.

Oh well, time to begin.

January: Coming off a family trip to NY, I was eager to come back to Cali. One thing of course was my main concern. Her. She was literally my life. It revolved around her the more and more I think about it. Not to mention the more and more I think about it…that’s not healthy.

I recall scaring her coming back from NY, receiving the present from her and getting ramen at Yamadaya. Aside from that, the gala. The night of the gala was rough. Eric came over to discuss our plans about Japan after I dropped her off from the salon I think. I was late to her house. I got the silent treatment. She was mad. Things were getting rough.

Gala was nerve racking. I wasn’t in my element whatsoever. I look back at the pictures and I’m like WTF was I thinking? Anyway, it was rough. January in general was rough. Despite Japan being the funnest I’ve ever experienced, there was a debbie downer too.

I was missing her like crazy. We didn’t discuss this until months after. Japan was a love/hate relationship this year. I loved the new experiences, the cool stuff we did. But I missed her. A lot.

I wouldn’t stop talking about her with my cousin. I wanted to talk about her with my friends, but they didn’t wanna listen. And then of course January 8th I had this coincidence happen. Won’t forget. I’m penguin/bird/pigeon. She’s tortuga. I got shat on by a bird in Akihabara on our 3 month anniversary. Later, ordering green tea the maid cafe, I got my ice cream in the form of a turtle. I was in awe, it was a sign of something.

Japan slowly became dull. I didn’t want to do anything, except count the hours until I would see her again. When it finally happened…it was rough.

She wasn’t the same. It’s like I got picked up by a stranger. I imagined running into her arms and crying and hugging and kissing her endlessly. Instead, I end up with a driver just sitting there, and looked like she had to force herself to kiss me. It was rough, cause she left my house just an hour later after we had spent several days apart.

I don’t know what I was dealing with. Emotions and feelings I had never encountered was a challenge. One that I never really took on. Main regret of 2015.

But life goes on. You live and let learn.

Eventually I ended up in the worst mood. I had learned days before she wasn’t feeling the same way for me and I could feel the distance. I hated it. You like and want someone so bad and they drift apart instantly..it sucked.

Her and I never spoke in depth or about difficult things. I wish we had built that up prior to getting together. We didn’t have a solid base to build upon. I was still seeing my therapist. Feeling better about myself and the future, but never spoke of my relationship.

Another regret. I wish I had given it time. Not saying we would be together still, but I wish I had played it out until the end. You figured someone that meant so much to me back then would have been given more thought before doing something so rash. But that’s me, that’s how I was. I run on impulse and emotion, not the best combination.

Can’t turn back time. But now I know from this lesson..give it your all. You don’t give up that easily. Ride it out until the end and have a proper send off if anything.

Another milestone of January was coming out about my difficulties in a letter to my parents. With my back against the wall I came out to them out of desperation. Not ideal, because it would be best to have them there every step of the way. Regardless, it was a very difficult thing to do and was probably one of the milestones of 2015.

I spoke about my firing at Terranea, it affecting me in ways that I couldn’t imagine. My difficulties with school and just overall myself. I was still in the rebuilding stage for myself and quite frankly I needed some help financially. I was still jobless and didn’t see my time at the Fairmont as worth the money despite how badly I needed it. Couldn’t just settle.

Another thing that I didn’t like was that SHE, controlled my ideas of new jobs. Not actually her doing anything, but I did all that I could to make sure we would always be together. It’s another thing that made me see how unhealthy that was. And how unhealthy that is for someone to do that. That’s a sign that you aren’t ready for a relationship. If you don’t have happiness in yourself it’ll translate to a less fulfilling relationship as your happiness relies solely on them.

Anyway, January was pretty rough. She was my entire grief of the month.

February: Still in the recovery stage. Not quite sure how I adjusted to life without her as much. We still kept in touch and hung out and what not. It was just..depressing? I recall Valentines day and having a night out in Long Beach, we just tried to light it up again. But to no avail. I hated that she wasn’t just reciprocating the way I wanted her to. It sucked. I wanted to be loved and adored by her again, and the reality of it not happening just sucked the life out of me.

I told her I couldn’t do it. It was somewhat of a mechanism of trying to get her to want me even more. Didn’t work. Nonetheless another lesson learned.

Stuff like this should come natural. Not forced. I shouldn’t have to play games to make someone want me or lure them over. Yes it might be a test from then, but it’s honestly better to just communicate and just explain clearly so that there isn’t any miscommunication or any misinterpretation.

Another lesson learned.

I don’t know what kept me in. I always felt off about her. It’s something that I don’t really think about until now because maybe I was so encompassed in her. I always felt wanting more. Wanting more affection. Didn’t know why I couldn’t just see that maybe she wasn’t feeling that way.

Another lesson from this: is I should know what I want, I should know if something is off and if I dislike it.

February was pretty uneventful from the photos that I have recollected along with not really having any of that as far as events or memories.

This is the month where my new job hunt began. I was fortunate enough to find the Montage. It was my new beginning. It let me rebuild my bank account along with finding something new and better.

It wasn’t easy. I didn’t adjust so well to it initially. I was so out of sync…possibly cause I didn’t work since really August and I was just off. It was hard to fit in with my co workers initially to the point where I was wondering who was working everyday because I wanted to see who I could hang out and talk with. It’s not the case now but it was that way before.

March: This month was I guess the beginning of a new chapter in some sense. Between her and I it was dying down. She was going back and forth between him and I. Another lesson…

I stuck around because I was trying to prove myself. I was trying to make a new beginning and it not only hurt me but it deterred me from moving on or worrying about myself. I was so caught up in Snapchat that I was basically hunting for signs to see where she was.

That’s a horrible thing to do to yourself. It would eventually crumble on top of me in May but that’s for later.

March was when Cheska and her friends came. Vegas finally. It was really fun having them because I was able to “take” care of someone. Something that I have grown to enjoy in some sense.

This is also where work and school began to clash. I was exhausted and this is what kicked my coffee obsession. I finally was working hard in life in some sense. Being stressed from school, even though I wasn’t performing the greatest while working to prove to my boss and build up my bank account.

Vegas was a fun trip. We stayed at the Wynn. It was such a nice hotel, but I do regret seeing Kaskade and spending a ridiculous amount of money instead of seeing my favorite, Alesso.

That trip was crazy in so many ways. But it led me away from her which I something I obviously needed at the time but not really realized.

Two girls ended up in the hospital. Wish I had documented it more, it was awesome and a story that will be forever told. It wasn’t a crazy trip because there was no sex or drugs or whatever but nonetheless this trip at least had a memory with it.

The days after led around showing the girls LA and introducing them to my circle. That’s when they met her. At the time I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe I was trying to make her jealous? I have no clue. But quite frankly I recall just wanting to have sex with her when we were out with all my friends. I think that’s all she wanted from me…and here I am thinking I’ll be able to win her back and what not.

March totally revolved around them. It was a great month and another experience that or they will never forget.

April: I was slowly coming into my element at work. I was having these races with my co workers so I could tell I was slowly getting adjusted to Montage life. In terms of personal growth my life still revolved around her…I’d skip class to see her and hang out, I would try to prove that I was changed and that I wanted another chance. Now that I look back at it, it’s something that is real upsetting.

Had I gone out to someone else about this, they would’ve told me to move on. Instead I stuck around hoping that one day this will happen again. I’m not gonna lie it still crosses my mind today, but there’s a lesson in my head now.

April was pretty uneventful. No spring break vacations so I was just working I think? I have some videos of eating AYCE sushi with Julius and Eddie, hanging out with them. This is also when my dark side came out to her.

I was very cold towards her. Something that I realized is pretty brutal. I couldn’t control it. I don’t know if it’s necessarily gone or it’s just become a part of me, but I’m definitely more aware of it.

It could have been a mechanism to make her want me more? But that’s not how you do it. You don’t act cold towards someone to win them back. That’s not the best method whatsoever.

I learned that I don’t need people. Maybe I discovered that just from reading something but I have a small somewhat tight knit circle. And in some sense yes I need the attention as I’m an only child with divorced parents, but I definitely need my own space.

May: This was the beginning of the rough patch. It led to the point where we parted ways. I needed that to be honest but the rain storm that came with it was HORRIBLE.

I cried like no other. I stabbed myself. I just couldn’t help but watch snaps from her friends birthday to see her with him. I was crying nonstop for days like I had been cheated on.

Another lesson from this: don’t get attached. I ended up just stabbing myself and hurting myself. It led her to the point where she just gave no shit about me and just did whatever. It is what it is. But I hated that period so much, I cried for hours. It was so sad and sorry that it probably did so much hinder my progress from her as well as personal growth for myself.

I finished finals. Disappointing but I finally went through with Chem. Oh well the past is the past.

Vegas was up next. But she kept coming across my mind a lot. A lot. I had this email written towards her that I would eventually send. That was a long hiatus of not seeing her. The longest so far of all. It felt like an eternity and I know for the both of us it wasn’t easy having someone you saw literally everyday, nonstop for months..to week gaps, to 3 weeks.

Vegas in May was awesome. I just wish I had been in a better state to really enjoy it. Despite all these great Vegas trips, she affected all of them . I LET HER AFFECT THEM.

I allowed myself to let her become a focus and deter myself from more fun or getting sad or depressed at times. Another reason why I won’t let anyone become that involved in my head, especially if she isn’t reciprocating it back.

Not going to try and win someone over unless I TRULY HAD A REASON TO. Anyway, Cosmo, good trip with Dan, short as usual and wish it had been way longer. This period I was counting down the days until we encountered each other.

Despite no contact, no knowing of what she was up to and getting distracted by friends, she was still there.

We eventually met up at the end of that month. It was like nothing had ever changed and we went back to hanging out nonstop.

June: SD, a trip that won’t be forgotten. I don’t know why it slipped my mind, but that was one of the best trips this year. It was spontaneous and I felt like she wasn’t a factor in my life. I was having fun and nearly hooked up with Carissa that time.

I probably had the chance to had I gotten a hotel room, but I wasn’t willing to shell out the money, plus the ground work I had laid out wasn’t the greatest as well. Just like everything picking up girls is a learning experience through trial and error.

Vegas again. Summer and her. It was a new beginning. Not necessarily friends, not together. I eventually came to hate that a lot because it was just gray. Vegas was fun, to a certain point.

Again I felt like she had affected that trip negatively as well. It was something that I didn’t realize but that’s another thing I truly regret. The time that I knew something wasn’t right was because at Showtek I was acting up.

Yes I was incredibly intoxicated but I knew what I was doing. I was just trying to see if she was gonna go off with another guy. She didn’t but she didn’t give me her full attention like I had wanted.

Another lesson to come from this is to not settle for less. Everyone has different needs and I always needed that assurance that someone was into me and wanted to be with me. She never did and I always had to act cold or disappear to see if she would ever come around from it.

This Vegas trip was just okay. To be honest nothing really memorable. Because of her. I didn’t even have sex that trip and that was something that I had anticipated.

Most of June revolved around hanging out daily with her and going to work.

July: Her and I were slowly rekindling. I was worried that her “ex” was back in town and was waiting to see if she would go back and see him. Little did I know this was the closest we were to getting back together. Stone head came out on July 4th.

Another lesson: COMMUNICATION. It’s key to anything and quite frankly I was too busy being so concerned with her wanting me more that it didn’t pan out. Had I clearly explained my feelings things might have changed or there wouldn’t be any guessing games whatsoever.

I’m not regretting it in some sense but it is what it is.

We ended up going a trip of a lifetime.

Chicago to LA was one of the greatest highlights, I can’t recall it entirely but I felt like that this was one of the more enjoyable trips because there were no expectations. It went the way I wanted to, however I obviously at that time wish we were having more sex and were actually together, not this gray area.

This trip really had my attention as I focused more on the journey ahead and being in a new environment. Aside from that it also allowed to me to really plant a seed into what my next step is. I never envisioned leaving LA whatsoever, but a trip like that opened my eyes into moving out of the state.

It was something I won’t ever forget as I don’t know if I’ll ever do that again. The trip was perfect. It was paid for. It had so much to benefit me that I don’t ever see the reason for me driving like that again.

All of July felt like the trip. Probably that and work and hanging out with her daily I guess?

August: This was when I needed action to happen. 2 months of stringing myself along thinking we were going to get back together. I needed answers. We had another Vegas trip towards the end of the month, however I was waiting for an answer. Work, school and the upcoming challenge of paying the semester was the obstacle in my way.

Vegas is when it all crumbled. It came out that we weren’t going to get back together. It sucked. I had to hear the truth and it ended somewhat. Another Vegas BUST. I hate that.

The more and more I look back, I won’t let her get in the way. Especially this year. Nor anyone for that matter if someone were to come up unless I KNOW there’s something going on.

Vegas was definitely nothing to write about. It was cool for Zion and of course ANOTHER Vegas trip, but something was always off. Something always bugged me and that was her.

I’m starting to despise the fact that it I allowed her to ruin all my experiences this year. But it’s a lesson learned. She didn’t do any of this, she didn’t manipulate me in some sense. I just strung myself along rather than focusing and doing myself.

September: School, financial struggles and Zedd.

Zedd was cool but again I allowed her to make it unmemorable.

School I hit it hard. I felt like progress was made in some sense, but still need to grow more in terms of studying harder and smarter.

This is when I had to pay for school. Challenge accepted. I went MIA from now until the end of the month to pay and of course attempt to recover.

It was still traumatizing in some sense that I couldn’t rekindle what I had hoped to. I couldn’t accept that fact. I was alone and that memory and summer is all I had to hold on to.

I should’ve gave distance.

October: It’s continued, to be honest nothing memorable out of this month either. Little group hangouts, school, work, still being MIA and waiting for this trip in December.

Slowly becoming more MIA just for the fact that I wasn’t happy with myself whatsoever. I was just becoming a zombie, trying to work hard and what not.

November: Another rough patch. Wasn’t over her and wasted my time and money trying to see if I could see if the horse was alive. It was dead, this month was rough again. I was out of sync at work.

I did however find a social media benefit from me. Get rid of it more. It consumes so much of your time. Not to mention it doesn’t allow me to get away from her, especially cause I know I would want to see what she’s up to so bad.

December:

This is the month that was probably the best this year.

It started off with an amazing trip to Canada. Calgary, Alberta was a place that struck a cord with me. I definitely could see it as a possible place to move to in the future.

Dog sledding, skiiing and all that. But most important, spending time with dad was key here. It was a new experience and one that I will always remember. It definitely opened my eyes to traveling more, especially with him.

Despite it not being “cool” or whatever, my time with him is limited, or anyone these days. It’s scary to think that one day he’ll be gone forever and memories of him is all I’ll have.

Finals were done. Another lesson from school. It’s way easier to climb yourself in a hole rather than dig out. So I definitely know now and have the habits to make sure I’m starting the semester strong, rather than catching up the entire time.

Stuff with her is irrelevant other than the drunken night at Rays. We’re done and I know a part is still attached, but I can definitely feel and see that it won’t affect me as much any longer.

NY was another eye opener. Family.

It sucks that I only see them yearly. When I see the environment I have. It’s so much nicer to have family around wherever. To have both of your parents, or siblings. I haven’t realized how lonely I am until that trip. Not sure why I didn’t realize it sooner.

I want to be closer to them. How cool would it be to just swing over and hangout with your own cousins. I feel so distant from them and it’s an amazing feeling to catch up and feel a part of something.

Montreal was another story.

It opened my eyes to a new culture. Obviously I had been acquainted with a different culture and lifestyle, but this trip made me realize…I COULD BE A PART OF THAT. I could move there.

Never had I envisioned the future of leaving and being in a completely different area.

That woke me up a lot.

Overall, this year has revolved around her.

It’s a lesson that I’ll take. Don’t let someone get in the way of myself.

I always knew it, but my stubborn ass was just caught up into her too much. It’s a lesson though, and I’ll take that with me from here on out.

I’ll have to do a list of things that I’m going to work on this year.

This was a year of growth, LOTS of lessons and tears. Blood, sweat and tears. Mostly tears and more blood and sweat definitely than before.

2016 will be a year of no tears. Blood and sweat only.

If there’s tears it’ll be for something or someone that truly matters. Not something I build up in my head.

I know I could’ve done 2015 way better. Nonetheless it was a positive year. Full of lessons that I will take and learn from.

2016 will be another year. I will stay optimistic of course and use the lessons from this past year to really benefit myself. No one to stand in my way.

I need someone to enhance my life and grow with. Not pull out and drag along. We still have some challenges along the way nonetheless, but I’ve gone through so much in 2015 that I’m ready…