I knew this day would come. I knew it would finally hit me, like a ton of bricks. Spending my whole Saturday doing schoolwork and coming home late at night to an empty apartment. Not having the energy to go out and party knowing that I have another full day of study ahead of me. So instead I am alone, with no one to talk to (without having to wake them up with the time difference). And the loneliness has kicked in.
This is not the first time this has happened, nor will it likely be the last. I have lived abroad for almost nine years of my life, having to make new friends and combating the feeling of being alone that can and does affect everyone at some point in our lives. I keep on telling myself that I should be able to cope with it, but I don’t think anyone ever copes with it.
And then, sitting all alone, I start to compare myself with others around me. Wondering how people are able to make friends so easily? How can they not be bored socializing all the time?
I will admit, without shame, I am horrible at human interactions. I can be as social as anyone else (this week was a perfect example) but it doesn’t really make me happy to go out drinking and partying all the time (my wallet isn’t happy either). But what really makes me happy is being out in nature (which is not going to happen living in downtown Madrid and doing an accelerated MBA), broadening my mind (right now I’m fascinated with ancient history) and having intimate discussions with a few close people. But finding those people is challenging for me.
And here is another secret; I’m horrible at making friends. I always have been and probably always will be. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been very friendly and nice and I have never had a problem talking/hanging out with anyone. But the number of true friends, those who I can call upon for any reason (who have seen me at my worst, especially outside the Sovereign after a few tequila shots), I can still count on my hands. And the worst part, all but one of them live on the other side of the world.
Well that is enough of feeling sorry for myself. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to my normal cynical self tomorrow and will probably regret writing/posting this (since I do hate showing my weaknesses). But it is probably good to get it off my chest.
And tomorrow another wonderful day awaits me, full of Managerial Decision Making, Accounting and Economics… Maybe I should have gone out and had a few drinks tonight….