To Remain Happy
I’ve had my fair shares of heart breaks and breaking hearts, but one of the most hurtful, yet peaceful heartbreaks I’ve ever received, in my opinion, was my most recent one, by a young woman named Alison.
I’ve had my eye on this girl for years now, since I met her on social media. Unfortunately, at the time she had a boyfriend. So I respected that and just watched from behind the scenes until I knew for a fact she was single. Every now and then I’d favorite a tweet or like a picture, to let her know I was there; as did she. But it wasn’t till April of 2014, that I was able to finally talk to her. And that is when I knew God had something big planned for me.
I decided to do a Direct Message on Instagram and start up a conversation with her, that actually worked in my favor because the next day, she asked for my number and we got to texting. I was very pleased with how easy it was to talk to her, so pleased, I said “talking to you is like taking a breath of fresh-air”. What I was going through at that time, I was able to smile so effortlessly and I loved it lol. Days later however, she got back with her ex and at that point, her excitement went from a 10 to maybe a 3; she became very short and uninterested with me. Which hurt, because the only reason I could think of as to why the mood changed so drastically, was because she was just trying to get over what she thought was the final break-up. But I just brushed it off and would still text her every now and then to see how she was doing and leave it at that.
Months passed with us not talking, but one day I noticed that she was single again. So I decided to text her to see how she had been. What was different about this time around, was that every day she would respond with “sorry I fell asleep” or “Good morning”. Usually we’d talk for 3 consecutive days, then disappear for a while. But I was certainly not complaining. We’d flirt here and there, have late night phone and Face-time calls. Eventually it was no secret that we were both interested in each other, and decided to step into “talking” phase. And to be honest with you, it was one phase I was unfamiliar with. To make things easier for you to understand, Alison and I lived 10 minutes from each other, but never hung out. The only time I really got to have “alone” time with her was my last night in town before I left for graduate school.. Which sucked.
Sadly, we didn’t make it past my first semester. Hell, we didn’t even make it past the second week. She called things off since she felt she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and we agreed to remain friends, as hard as it was for me. So whenever Ali was at work, I’d make plans to visit her until she closed, being that it was really the only time I could see her. And even though we were friends, my eyes couldn’t help but light up every time I heard her voice or saw her face.. She was something different. Just being around her, I craved it so much. Unfortunately, she was going through some things around the time I came back home after school ended, and we didn’t speak for a good month.
But after what felt like forever, we started texting again. It was like nothing ever changed. Except my outlook on life. The first time we talked, I was more on edge and doubting “us”. I was very scared to trust in that way. And all that did was stress me out. So this time around, I wanted to be less caring, if you will. I wouldn’t get too excited when I’d hear from her, didn’t blow up her phone. I like to think I gained some patience from her shutting me out as often as she did. And for that, I became fragile; more than I was before. But as fragile as I was, I still did what I could to trust her, be there for her, and let her know that I did change.
She built a wall so high, you’d have to leave Earth to get past it.. and that was my mission. I was willing to put myself out there if it meant getting through to her. Though sometimes I did get frustrated because I just wanted to be around her but she didn’t. I’d try to be cute and her response was “thanks”. If I vented or just told her about my dreams and aspirations, it was almost as if she didn’t care for it.. And it hurt, but I know when we’re face to face, she’s a lot more open and talkative with me. So I held onto that.
Then all of a sudden, the fast replies and phone calls stopped. She said it was because she didn’t have data, so I bit my tongue and let it go. I could tell things were off, but I’ve wanted this girl for so long, I never brought it up or complained about a damn thing. One evening however, she stopped stopped texting me for well over 10 hours. And finally, later that night, I received a text saying again, she wanted to call things off. And my heart dropped.. but not one tear was shed. When I asked why not, she said she just wasn’t into it anymore.. It stung, and hurt like hell. But not one tear fell from my eye. This pain was different from when we first stopped talking. I didn’t cry because I don’t care, it was because every day, knowing how weird of a “relationship” she and I had, I would pray that no matter what happens, I wanted to remain happy. And I did exactly that.
Yes I hurt, but I had no hatred for her. I can’t and never will hate her. Since I met her, I felt that I have self-improved as far as my patience and emotions go. My only reason for hurting, was because I wanted this so badly to work out, and when she said she couldn’t feel more for me, it did break my heart. Because I could feel everything for this girl. Not in the sense that I was in love or that I loved her, because I don’t. But because just being around her felt right. It felt positive, she brought positive energy into my life in the most un-explainable way.. Though she never really made any efforts to see me, I don’t hold anything against her. The positive energy she brought me was to just remain happy. To be patient, and have hope. The first time we stopped talking, I prayed to God that he’d save her for me. And he did. Maybe not in the way I wanted, but in the way God knew I needed.
I battled with depression before I met Alison. And every relationship that I got into, messed me up more than the person before them. But this time around, everything was different. People saying that everyone you meet in life is either a blessing or a lesson. And I do believe that Alison was both my blessing and lesson. She taught me to learn patience, that I certainly needed. To not overthink, and showed that not everyone is as bad as I think they are. I basically let go, and let God take over. He let me find my happiness. Alison and I to this day, still are friends. The conversations are still short and very spread out, but I am forever grateful she is in my life now; and will surely give her another chance if she ever wanted one.. That is if she decides to actually see me more often haha.
