Back when I first experienced it, many years ago (the late 90s), I made the mistake of having a vagina and telling an anti-semite that he was being a kooky shitbag on Usenet.
For that I got emails, messages and piles of posts using 100s of sock puppets detailing how he would like to rape me with menorah, amongst other inanimate objects because in his words “You probably love diseased nigger cock as well you dirty jewish whore” and thus I he wouldn’t dare touch me with his pristine white christian penis.
Irony is I am not Jewish, never have been.
But here is the thing — I have said this before — I have been subject to threats of violence, been doxxed (luckily I move a lot) and similar — all because I am female and didn’t play nice… That wouldn’t be the first or the last time.
Ex-lovers, jilted paramours, strangers on the street who I didn’t accept the offer of oral sex from — “I hope you get raped by niggers” “I will find you bitch and shove kitchen knives in your cunt until you wish you had taken my cock instead”
And I am not even a “pretty girl” which they like to remind me of by the way “You should be glad someone would take pity and fuck your fat greasy ass — I would use a plastic bag over your head though — to put your out of your misery”
The names irrelevant — but they had one common factor in every case — white men — who were horrifically angry I didn’t give them what they wanted. They were angry I objected to their behavior. They were angry I said no to their sexual advances.
Sometimes — I will admit I was terrified. I learned be LOUD in my responses. I learned to make scenes and get stares. If this was going to finally be the one to take me out — I was going to have witnesses. I was gonna leave bite marks so they would know, I was going to get their flesh under my nails. I wasn’t going easy.
I learned to eat the fear and look them in the eye in gas station parking lots. Telling them to go fuck themselves loud as I could with as much strength as I could muster. Meanwhile inside feeling like trapped prey eyes scanning my area for escape routes.
Facebook gave me the ability to block — which I didn’t have on Usenet. Post Office boxes gave me an address to put on my ID so someone behind me in line wouldn’t know where I lived when I handed the clerk my ID
My performance art work persona gets some nastiness — but she is on the radio on occasion so of course she does. This me gets less now — there is a gift in being “old, fat and ugly” and anti-social where she is way more public “old fat and ugly”-The lower frequency is a gift also because I still have a step child who lives with me.
But I see shit happening to others- and you know I think — I need to start even more fires — Come at me bro’ — because I have had it — I am a pro — and I want the girls who are younger to be able to spend a day or three without fear — I will stand up and be loud — and I will take the heat.
Because I watched my step-daughter fake being a boy online so she could play CoD and Team Fortress without having someone threatening to rape her because she won’t send pics of her tits. I listened to her tell me she would rather be a boy — because its safer. “Even being a solider in war — at least you know who the bad guys are”
I know who they are — guys who seek the power — power over women — power over minorities, power over the poor — those are the bad guys. Rape is a weapon to take power — the threat of it is just a different version of “I will fucking kill you”
The guys who threaten to rape women — they have everything in common with the guys I see who speak of the “nigger problem” or “damn Mexican illegals” They want to feel big, powerful. They want to be on top. They want what they thing they “deserve” for being born a man in America. They want to take away the right of a woman to walk without fear — and they want to take away the right of people of color to walk without fear.
Yes, there are rapists of color. But I will tell you in my case, the threats, the doxxing, the intimidation — has always been a white man.
And I will tell you I have been saved by white men too — white men who walked up behind me in a bar and pretended to be my boyfriend when I was alone. White men who ran the register at a gas station who walked outside and screamed at the man to get the hell off the property. Saved by men of color — one who literally picked me like a rag doll at a show when I was forced into a pit of men who were shoving girls in to grope and assault — a black man who pulled me out, put me down outside the pit — then came back later covered in blood that was not his own to ask me if I was ok before he disappeared.
This is a long post — I am sorry. But it is what was on my mind — I needed to say it. Because while they may not be ready to talk — I promise you know women who have dealt with the shit I have. Maybe not the same words, but I promise you they have and I promise you some have had much worse.
I don’t know if I care how we got here — what I really want to know is this… how much further will this go? We have a political climate where we question where racism and penis size seems to be valid campaign platform. Where there are very real people who are working to take away basic rights from people in this country. And I worry for us — and where this will go next.