al“Get Your Back off the Wall”

Song Lyric from “Move” by Little Mix

Wellness is a tedious thing I have come to learn in the last few months. There is no such thing as easy sailing or smooth ride. Things happen that create problems that demand attention. I am not going to go into depth as to what has happened to me the last few months. (It would take way too much effort to explain and I would ramble, and this isn’t a poor me session).

I am not going to lie, the last few months have crushed me. I have been in a lot of pain physically leading to mental and emotional pain as well, thus causing everything to stop. All the efforts I was making to get stronger and stronger in all the ways has had to take a back seat so I could get through each day.

I have often asked myself, “Geez… Isn’t enough enough already? I have paid my dues, haven’t I?”

I hate to admit it, but I lost myself. I woke up in the morning already dreading the day, already feeling dead inside. My focus and purpose were becoming more and more blurred every day. People’s demands of me didn’t increase, but as I was weakening, I started to not be able to handle everything I felt like was expected of me. I couldn’t be what everyone wanted me to be.

I felt closed in on and trapped without a second to say, “Hold up, what the heck? Say what now? Stand back!”

I backed up as far as I could, hitting a wall but the pressure didn’t stop! I lost my balance and as time when on, there were somethings that wouldn’t push me back enough on my feet or too far that I started falling the other way.

Personally, I am not very good at asking for help as I am sure that there are many others that struggle with that also. It’s not that I don’t trust people less, but I have a different way of coping. I need time to think, to go through the motions, to take one baby step at a time. For me, crowding around and pushing help upon my shoulders isn’t going to make my life better. For me personally, that doesn’t work. For a lot of people that doesn’t work. Feeling like a project doesn’t help mental healing at all.

As I have struggled with mental illness, I have learned what I need to be the one who gets my back off the wall so to speak. I know that it will get better but, in the moment, I need space to gather myself together. And guess what? That is okay.

I have had to evaluate what is good for me and what isn’t. I had to do some “inner cleansing”. I have had to ask myself the questions:

“Why are you unhappy?”

“What needs to change for me to be happy?”

These have been questions that I have been wrestling with for the last few months as I have been grasping for happiness, but catching nothing but air. It is important that if you are struggling that you don’t pull “inward” but you look “inward”. Stay active in your life but don’t push yourself too hard. If you need a mental health day, then take it. I don’t care how strong you are, but don’t push yourself so far that you feel beyond help.

As 2019 closes in, I’m thinking about how I want to be. I am tired of being stuck in a rut. I am tired of thinking some things of myself. I am getting things under control as I have had to kiss some things that I love good bye so that I can be better. So that I can feel better.

I have had to accept that I am human. I have my life that people can only have opinions about and not control over. When it comes to all things “me”, I am in charge. I have to live with myself, so I might as well do things for me to love it and myself right? Makes total sense to me.

As I have been working on my turn around having strayed from my highway of health, I feel myself leaving the wall and circling the dance floor. I may not be fully participating in the dance party thing, but at least I am not standing there like a sad scared chipmunk.

Being happy is a choice- a choice that comes from pinpointing what you need to change because if you aren’t happy, then you are doing YOU wrong. It is going to take a lot of work for me to re-evaluate, have courage, be strong, and have patience that goals take time and that health takes time and is an everyday effort.

2019 holds a lot of promise, but not to be negative it holds a lot of trials too. Life is like an ocean that has a never-ending number of waves to wash you away. However, life isn’t to be feared but it is meant to be loved.

Fear not, you got this. Heck, I’ve got this! This year I’m joining the dance and keeping my back off the wall. I’m gonna move and live again.