Memories

How often do we take a time out to sort out our emotions?

There have been many times where I entered my room, closed the door behind me, leaned up against the door, and let out a sigh. Different sighs over the years, but they all represent the same thing- release.

There have been releases from stress. Releases of “Well, that didn’t work” and “What now?” Other times the sighs have been “Why me?” or “I’m so glad that is over.” I always take a second to just stand there and allow the comfortable silence of my room to fill me up. I am in a place where my troubles, failures, and mistakes don’t have to follow me. I am in a place where I can regroup, plan, and prepare.

Some of my biggest movie moments by the door are me sitting on the floor… Just balling my eyes out because I finally didn’t have to hold the tears in or look strong. I have a chance to release it all and have a moment to compute everything that has happened or was said. My mind replays the events of stress or “danger” over and over again. The door is my moment to collect my thoughts.

How often do we take a time out to sort out our emotions? With mental illness, how often do you try to separate your emotions from that which is going on? Honestly for me, when I need a moment to release everything I find that I am better able to balance myself. I don’t have the skill to take it all in and compute “correct responses” in the moment. I have to walk away to digest and gain a different perspective.

I am not going to lie, but there has been a lot of guilt built up over the years of things that I should have said or done as the memory plays through my head. I think about how I could have handled it better. How I could have said what I wanted if I had a moment to think.

But that is all that they are… Memories. There is no changing them. I can “talk” a memory to death, desperately wanting to change it, but in the end. What happened, happened and I have to let it go. I have to not only let go of the things I did or said, but most importantly of the things that I didn’t say. I think that sometimes it is those words that can haunt us the most.

Letting go is difficult and I also realize how much easier it sounds than it is to do. It takes a long time to let things go. Some things stick with us for a few days, whereas others stick with us for years. We sometimes also let ourselves wonder about the what ifs or what nots. That isn’t reality. Reality is where you are right now reading this. Reality is what you said and what you did. It is the consequences of whatever was said or done that you are living with right now.

You can’t focus on what COULD have made it right, but you must focus on how CAN you make it right. How can you change your situation into where you want to be? Mental illness makes you want to zoom in on the could have instead of can make.

Mental illness wants to trap you in the past, it wants to weigh you down with guilt, shame, and regret. It wants you to relive painful memories over and over like a little kid wants to watch their favorite movie three or four times a day. Mental illness uses flash backs, tremors, nightmares, ghost pains, and black outs as reminders. It leaves the mind aching and the body trembling.

These different types of episodes are different pieces of hell. They happen over and over again and sometimes it feels like it is never going to stop. But it can. It can stop; and it will.

For me, it all felt like a circle of never ending agony. I had a lot of tremors, that would last for hours, and I had a lot of flash backs and black outs. I was living more in the past than I was in the present with no thoughts towards the future. I couldn’t even think of a life outside of the torture that I was going through at the time. How could I? Pain was riddled in everything.

Mental healing takes huge amounts of time and substantial effort. When mental illness strikes, you have to know yourself well enough to know how to release or sigh your emotions into order and make up a game plan as of how to attack. You can take yourself back from mental illness as you determine what you will do in the future.

Self-meditation, self-care, and self-love are super important. Be kind enough to yourself where you realize you need a minute to sort everything out. Don’t force yourself past your limits because that will allow mental illness to snatch you up in its claws of nightmares and flashbacks. Take a moment to close the door and lean against it. Learn to clear your mind and to let go.

Let it go. Let it all go. The past can’t change, the present is workable, and the future is buildable. All you have to do is build yourself with what you know to be true and take baby steps forward to the new…

But that can only happens if you let it go.


Thank you for reading! Have a nice weekend!