Clinton x Trump — Second Presidential Debate (Tim Urban Redux)
Or “Why I’m Voting Green”
According to Tim Urban’s excellent transcript of the second presidential debate, this is how it began:
Audience Question: Thank you and good evening. The last presidential debate could have been rated as MA — mature audiences — per TV parental guidelines. Knowing that educators assign viewing the presidential debates as students’ homework, do you feel that you are modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?
Clinton: I want to do all kinds of things. I want to do good things. There’s nothing we can’t do together, you and me Patrice. I want to work with people of all ethnicities. I want to heal the country. Make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race. And our children. And grandchildren.
Drumpf: This country’s going to shit. Healthcare costs are going up. We made Iran great again. We get killed on trade — an $800 billion deficit last year. We’re gonna make great trade deals. We’re gonna bring back law and order. Did you hear about those policemen that were shot today? We need justice. I want to fix the blacks in the cities. I want to fix the Latinos, Hispanics, etc. I want to make them great again. Make America great again.
And this is how it ended:
Anderson: So Donald, remember when you kind of woke up in the middle of the night the other night and went on a 3am tirade attacking that random woman and telling people to watch her sex tape? What was…what was the deal with that?
Drumpf: That slut.
Anderson: Let’s move on to the next question, from a man named Kenneth Bone.
Audience Question: I’m Kenneth Bone. I’m Kenneth Bone and I’m wearing this sweater. And this is my mustache.
Anderson: Is that…is that it?
Ken Bone: What’s your plan with energy policy?
Drumpf: Coal. Coal is the way of the future. China is KILLING us. China is dumping steel on us.
Clinton: China is dumping steel on your shitty face. You buy a ton of Chinese steel. Climate change is a thing. Coal is a thing. Things are things.
Martha: Okay last question, thank fucking god.
Audience Question: It sounds kind of fun and hilarious to make you two say something nice about each other. Go.
Clinton: His kids aren’t terrible people. Somehow.
Drumpf: The bitch can fight.
Anderson: I’d like to extend my thanks and apologies to the 790 million people who watched this. Goodnight.
Required reading: the entirety of the very excellent transcript.
P.S. “incompressible jizztrumpet”