11 Life Lessons for Being Peacefully Divorced

How I make sense of being a divorced mother.

I’ve been divorced for over 2 years after a 17-year-long relationship. My ex and I have 3 children. Here are some of the things I wish someone had told me before.

1. The past relationship with your ex is over — what you have now is a new relationship.
Your married relationship with your ex is no longer. Make sure it is indeed over — tie up all the loose strings, finalize every last stipulation in whatever agreements you have, settle all the bureaucracy involved as quickly as possible. These practical steps will help you in the emotional journey to put this behind you. Let it go.
When all that is done — be ready to enter into a whole new relationship with your divorcee. You and him are the same people, but the relationship is not the same — it’s not even an evolution of your marriage. It is a whole new territory. This new relationship can be successful only if you put the old relationship to rest.

2. If your ex is happy now — be happy too.
Better a happy divorcee than a miserable husband. Your ex is in a new relationship, seems to be drowning in money all of a sudden, travels the world extensively, socially active, more fit, better dressed and finely groomed — if that is the case — amazing! No matter what happened between the two of you, he was your partner. Really, he meant the WORLD to you at one time. You should care enough about him to wish him a life that is at least free of agony. If your ex hurt your feelings too much so that you can’t authentically care for his wellbeing, concentrate on this instead: he is the father of your children, and your children deserve a happy, satisfied, healthy, stable parent. Be happy that they are lucky enough to have that.

3. Your ex is a different parent than you.
Even if you divorce amicably, and promise each other to parent your children according to mutual values agreed upon long ago — the extent to which shared parenthood is in fact shared, is limited. I’ve found that even if you are honest in your intentions, and take care to have frequent discussions about the kids, share photos of your gems just-‘cause, have urgent calls late at night to talk about your children’s struggles — (and I know, even this description may sound utterly utopian to many divorced parents) — even under these circumstances, the reality is this: you and your ex are almost never there at the same time with your kids, you live in separate homes, you have different schedules, and you are and always have been different people. And this means — you are different parents. Accept that. Even — rejoice in that. After all, isn’t that amazing that you no longer have to fight over what’s the perfect time for your kids to do their homework? Or whether or not a candy bar after dinner should be allowed? You can’t change what happens in your ex’s house nor should you strive to. Don’t spend time and energy trying to meddle in things you can’t control. Instead — focus your energy on sculpting your new life with your kids in what is now your home only.

4. Your children will be heartbroken.
While most people can accept that a relationship that doesn’t work should end, hurting children is tremendously hard to live with in peace. As my 11 year old son said to me just a month ago, and that is over 2 years after the divorce — “This wound will never mend. The one thing I will always want the most is for you guys to get back together again, and I know this will never happen.”
Talk about a blow straight to your heart.
First, don’t feel guilty. You made a decision, own up to it, accept it, take responsibility, know that it was the right decision for that relationship.
What can you do for you child? Listen and hug. Don’t tell him it will pass — because it won’t. Don’t tell him it was the better thing to do — because for him that is not true. Don’t tell him that when he grows up he’ll understand — because that is just unfair. Tell him you understand, tell him you are sad too at times, tell him that for you and his father that was the right thing to do but he has a right not to accept that. Listen to him, hold him and share his pain — by that, you’ll be able to pick up the shards of his fragile broken heart and put it back together.

5. The fear of ending up alone is real but you will learn to live with it.
I get asked so frequently — aren’t you afraid of ending up alone? Yes, I am. And I find that this fear is only partially relieved when you enter a new relationship; in your sober state after the divorce, you know so well that relationships really do end. What does change is the cultivated ability to accept the fear, and live with it. The bare facts are — you will no doubt breathe, even if you’re not in a romantic relationship, and your life will continue.

6. Me time can be lonely.
Some days when you’ll be on your own, your kids snuggled in bed at your ex’s — you will want company and there will be no one around. At times, you will crave a loud family dinner and will have to make do with the company of your iPhone over a lousy sandwich. Every once in a while, you will stare at the emptiness of your darkly silent home — and will want a way out. It’s OK to feel that way, and it will happen more than once, and will continue to happen every once in a while long after you’re well adjusted to your new life.
Also, in just a day or two your kids will be back home, filling it with squeals and joyous laughter and rowdy fights and bits of lego strewn in the living room and piles of dirty laundry. You will then crave tranquil solitude, trust me.

7. Me time can be blissful.
Coming back from a day of work to a chill, quiet house? Spending time on your own? Not having to tell anyone you’re running late? Coming and going as you please? Waking up lazily on Saturday morning? All that is extremely liberating. Remind yourself of all those moments when you so desperately wished for some me time, long before talks of divorce surfaced. So if you now have it — embrace it, enjoy it, make the most of it, you’re in luck.

8. Own up to your choices.
You made a choice when you and your ex divorced. The circumstances of the separation don’t matter all that much — even if it was your partner’s decision to pack up and leave, even if you think it’s his fault — you made some choices prior to the events of your separation that contributed to its evolution and ending. Look closely into your choices, assume responsibility, stare at the reality until the facts are reflected back at you. Tell yourself the story that you need in order to make sense of it all. Believe in that story, and make it your own. Life doesn’t happen to you. You make life happen.

9. People will pity you.
For being a divorced mother, for being dumped, for dumping your ex for a miserable life, for not dating enough, for dating too much, for not being in a relationship, for being in a relationship that doesn’t seem to work, for dating all the wrong people who break your hearts all too often. It’s ok if people pity you, as long as you don’t pity yourself.

10. People will envy you.
For every person who pities you, there’s a person who will be jealous. In fact, often it’s exactly those people who pity you who are at the same time crazy jealous. That makes sense: pity and jealousy are both borne out of a deluded idea of what your life is. People are going to be jealous of your freedom and liberation, of your assumed high-voltage sexually-packed social life. It’s ok if people are jealous of you, as long you keep a balanced view of your life — which, I don’t need to tell you, is far from glamorous.

11. You are stronger than you think you are.
Stepping outside of the familiar, sheltered reality of marriage and facing the world solo may be daunting. If you were not the one to do the finances in the house, or never cooked, or don’t have a clue how to use the laundry machine, or have no idea how to change a tire, or don’t know how to find your way in the country — you may feel suffocated with fear. Don’t suffocate. Breathe. You CAN do all of these and more. You can learn how to cook and figure out your financial situation and find the laundry machine manual and google whatever information you need and get someone to fix your car if you’re not in the mood for car mechanics. You can get Waze to help with directions. You will get lost at times, but ultimately you will find your way.
This is your life now.