Captain Floof

This is an experiment in digital barding in concert with my Patreon. This story happened because of a picture of a Maine Coon that weighs 30 pounds and eats raw kangaroo. I blame the internet.

Memorandum on Sol 3

Captain F’loofh reporting

GalStan 23569


As you know I was placed here to observe their best and brightest so that we could craft the best possible plan of attack. I selected a scientist working in the defense matrix of the largest of the nations. A Doctor LaTonya Jenkins. I used Illusion Ray 203-B to appear to be one of the creatures known as Cat. Having observed Cat behavior at length (the ways humans broadcast information is fascinating and will be detailed later) I felt I was indeed ready for my mission.

My first few cycles with her were pretty standard. She “rescued” me from the side of the road near the base. And of course she took me to her den. And other places, a truly irritating medical officer, to a store that sold sustenance for my kind albeit in forms that were less appealing to the eye and the palate. I pretended to be having an adverse physical reaction to the worst of it until the quality of the offerings improved. Eventually the medical officer suggested something called “kangaroo” which has a flavor similar to Herkellian Marsepio, but with more intricate amino acids. Tasty species and one we should consider farming.

LaTonya had no mate when I arrived, and no other companions so I made a point of being extra affectionate whenever she was in the den with me. She never even noticed that the pattern of my chirps was designed to elicit speech from her, and teach her to say a somewhat butchered version of my name. Her throat turns F’loofh into Floof, but really that is better than I expected.

At first it was nothing valuable enough to report. Complaints about coworkers, whining about mundane problems during transit, griping about a former mate but after my fifth cycle with her she started to talk about the defense grid. Well, the lack of one really. And the problems with their leaders who were more interested in infighting than anything else.

Human politics are…fascinating. How a species that hates itself so much ever rose to dominance will be a question for generations to come. Culling a sick or dangerous member is something any species can understand. Sometimes you have no choice. But doing it for sport, or to make a point about color or whatever the reasons they manufacture? Humans are counter to everything we understand about Verge species.

They are at the point of wanting to colonize Sol 4 (they do not know it was abandoned) though they are many many rotations away from being able to do so. It is also possible that they are immune to Tagellian Fever as they breathe a mix of nitrogen and oxygen naturally, and the virus cannot thrive in a nitrogen rich environment.

They broadcast false information mixed with true, and aspire to higher levels of technical proficiency than their current level of knowledge makes possible. All media should be carefully vetted for accuracy as they entertain themselves with lies. The better and more intricate the lie the more likely it is to be wide spread. Some of their best entertainment may be rooted in ancestral memory as some Verge species are I descendants of Fallen. I doubt that here given the peculiar bipedal development with no protective coloration. They believe in a Creator, and may be Castoff Seeds that developed in a complete absence of guidance or genetic correction.

I confess I have grown fond of LaTonya and now that Officer K’Ten has brought his assignment Captain Morell into the medical office it seems likely that the bonding we encouraged to elicit more information will yield offspring. They are attentive and amusing and I would hate to lose my favorite servant to an ELE.

I cannot in good conscience say that they are a threat to anyone but themselves at this point. Assuming their current trajectory leads them to an ELE might I suggest we identify the best and brightest so that we can save them and perhaps improve their gene pool?

I have stopping giving myself treatments with the illusion ray and they just think I am growing. They don’t perceive it as a threat at all. Yet they are frightened of each other often. As I said…a fascinating species that should be kept under observation but that do not need to conquered or corralled beyond keeping officers here. I am happy to remain for some time yet.


Captain F’loofh

Transmission End

“He’s gone native.” Admiral K’hanu announced to the Council “I told you not to send him.”

“Look at the attachments, they match up with everything reported by others. Face it they are not a threat. Whatever you saw, they have no advanced weaponry or defense grid or planet destroying capabilities.” Counselor L’ion bared her teeth in warning, “We will leave observers there for now. You are dismissed Admiral. Do not waste our time again.”

Admiral K’hanu slunk away growling about death stars and demons and the Council returned to setting up funding for the Center for Verge Studies to be able to contain and possibly raise some humans for study.

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