Let’s have a new kind of conversation

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the concepts of Community and Connection: the way that humans form bonds, and how those connections expand what people are capable of experiencing and accomplishing.

Getting into a deep, solid, vulnerable, real conversation is one of the best feelings in the world to me, and part of that good feeling is knowing that from that transformative moment forward, the other person and I are connected to each other in a new and significant way. I’ve got the adronitis, bad. (Adronitis: n. frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone).

There’s just one problem. Getting to that place with new people requires meeting new people, and meeting new people involves something I hate: small talk.

For whatever reason, our society is collectively addicted to the small talk habit. That habit dictates that polite conversation and getting to know each other must involve asking the same repetitive questions:
• Where are you from?
• What do you do?
• Where do you live?
• plus some form of talking about the weather, commute times, ‘what did you do this weekend?’ etc

We do this all the time. Not just while we’re getting to know each other, but all the freaking time.

I understand that when establishing basic introductions or in first time interactions, small talk can help break the ice. I still hate it in these situations, but can understand why in certain social circles these questions help establish a mainstream baseline, and that baseline sits on the lowest common denominator.

But what’s even more frustrating is when small talk is still the default filler conversation amongst people who already know each other like co-workers, fellow students, regular acquaintances, neighbors, etc. When the conversation never gets any deeper than the surface, what is the point of talking? These nonversations are lost opportunities for humans to do what humans are meant to do: Connect. In a real way.

A couple years ago at a community dinner group I was a part of called CommuniTuesday, I shared that I was going to start doing an experimental social activity to help people get to know each other in a more meaningful way. Folks thought it sounded like a good idea, so I started developing the idea. I was gonna call it The Antithesis of Adronitis, but while poetic, that’s too much a mouthful and basically undecipherable. I settled on Better Than Small Talk instead.

I was inspired by an activity I learned in my 2006 facilitation training with one of my mentors, Peggy Taylor. I created Better Than Small Talk to test a hypothesis:

What would happen if I got a room of strangers together and invited them to speak to each other deeply right away, no small talk allowed —and if that was the sole purpose of the gathering?

What would happen if I gave them enough conversational prompts to alleviate any awkwardness or effort on their part of “thinking of something to say, or something to ask”?

While I was a facilitator at Peggy’s first non-profit, The Power of Hope, I spent a couple years leading similar activities for hundreds of participants. I know that it works. You just have to create a safe space, make the invitation, and support people with stepping into their best selves.

For the last year and a half I’ve been doing this in my spare time, for others in my Bay Area community, and selfishly as a gift to myself because it is so dang refreshing to experience real conversational connection amidst days that are normally full of chit chat, small talk and routine filler.

In post-event surveys, participants at Better Than Small Talk have said:

• I loved the energy of meeting new people and hearing different viewpoints. I felt it was important that you invited us to not talk about our work.
• I wish I had the opportunity to talk to everyone.
• It felt organic and not contrived, but also created an environment to support connection.
• This was AMAZING. I came away SO inspired.

Creating and facilitating Better Than Small Talk has shown me that people are hungry for human connection. And an iPhone full of social media apps isn’t meeting their needs fully. We still need each other, face to face, listening, learning, asking, answering, being real and connecting with each other in meaningful ways.

In the year and a half since I started hosting Better Than Small Talk, I’ve been surprised to learn about multiple other people doing veyr similar things, in different parts of the country, different parts of the world, dating from 1935 and 1972 to today. That fascinates and inspires me. Multiple, spontaneous ideation just confirms that these needs, ideas, capabilities, desires and inspirations are universal. If we’re all having the same idea and creating it, it’s because we all need it and want to experience it everywhere.

So the next time you and someone else start to drop into the small talk script (ie. “yeah but as least it’s a dry heat”), take a risk and ask/say something new. Chances are, the other person really wants to talk about something besides small talk, too. Here’s a few options to get you started:

• What do you think is the best feeling in the world?
• What were you like as a 14-year-old?
• Do you have any tricks to making life better?
• As you’ve gotten older, have you outgrown any previously-held beliefs?

Interested in the conversations that come after the one about the weather? Check us out if you’re in the Bay Area.