Alone At Last With My Tormentor: Kathy Bates

It is now day 5 after surgery and I have been alone in “the Cabin” with Kathy for two days. I can only communicate with the outside world via internet when Kathy ALLOWS me to sit in her bedroom as we only get internet in the house from this corner:

Our routines have been established and if it weren’t for my new best friends (see pic below) this would be just like Misery.

Allow me to introduce you to my summer companions:

Robert (Bob from now on) is my savior. He is irreverent, and just doesn’t give a fuck about social etiquette or anything really. He is the one that helps me cope when things like this happen:

Kathy: Do you want juice or water?

Me: La Croix Sparkling Water please.

Kathy: Juice or water?

Me: La Croix…just hand me the can, no glass or ice necessary.

Kathy: Juice or water?

I am fucking 42 years old. I bought the fucking cans of La Croix myself. There is no sugar, no nothing in them…just a little flavor and sparkling water. I will not go into a diabetic coma if I drink it though the juice might just put me over the edge. Both juice and water will require extra work for Kathy as she has to get a glass, fill it up etc. Thank you Bob, for helping me get through these moments.

I have to take Bob twice a day. Kathy already sees him as a threat and told me this morning (day 5 mind you) that I need to cut Bob out of my life as I don’t need him, and addiction is a real thing. Did you just get your fucking knee cut off, Kathy? No? I didn’t think so… Bob stays. I have already cut him in half and currently regretting that decision. Bob is also responsible for my daily naps and the few hours of sleep I get from 10:30 to 1 ish each night. After 1 am all bets are off.

Jedith is in my life in case I have too many “muscle spasms”. According to Kathy, I am not working out hard enough so I haven’t needed Jedith yet. If for some reason Kathy hides Bob from me (which is a real fear), Jedith might just move into Bob’s spot.

Sam is my dependable friend. I need Sam every 4 hours in order to cope with the constant pain I am experiencing. Bob and Sam have helped me to get through the past 5 days with only a few tears and a limited number of expletive filled rants.

This is how each day goes thus far… I wake up, ice my knee, get reacquainted with Bob, Sam and the rest of the gang, give them half an hour to kick in while watching MSNBC (Kathy’s new obsession) and take a 3 hour nap to make up for the restless night I had. This is mostly Bob’s fault. He is super lazy and brings me down with him. I then wake up again, ice my knee , eat lunch while watching MSNBC, pop a Sam and do 2 hours on my constant passive motion machine (CPM). Somewhere in there, I go to the bathroom a few times. Then Kathy has her cocktail (let’s call her Ginny) and we eat dinner while watching MSNBC, then I do 2 more hours on my CPM, pop another Bob and sleep until 1 am when the pain kicks in again.

Despite cutting through the pain of having a brand new knee, Sam helps me to get through the little things. I have included three examples below.

Ex #1: Kathy makes the statement as she is hooking me up to my machine that she is going to remove all of my devices and plug them into the kitchen at 9 every night so that I can get some rest. She also told me that I needed to put my phone down or I would get cancer. Let’s see. I am stuck in a CPM for 2 hours with no TV and no internet, I go to sleep and then this horrific pain wakes me up in the middle of the night when no one is around and I cannot even get up to turn on lights to read etc. Great plan Kathy. Maybe it isn’t the devices keeping me up? Would you prefer I get better acquainted with Bob so I will sleep through the night? Choices.

Ex #2: I never thought I would say this but ENOUGH MSNBC. I used to like Rachel Maddow. I now want to eviscerate her. Kathy doesn’t just watch MSNBC, she reads the news ticker at the bottom and maintains a running commentary while pausing the actual show that everyone else in the room (me) is watching. This makes a 3o minute show extend to 90 minutes and somewhere along the way you lose the actual plot.

Rachel Maddow: Donald Trump is a …

Kathy: (pause) Damn Russians! I would be pissed if Larnie (my father a.k.a. Larry David meets Bernie Sanders) was posting pics like that online! It’s like he is looking for a date!

Rachel Maddow: compulsive liar! He…

Kathy: (pause) That’s bizarre! Did you see that? A woman from Milwaukee called the police to say that her cat is attacking her and her husband!

Rachel Maddow: Enough Kathy! I have lost my train of thought!

Ex #3: While I am pretending to nap thanks to Bob, Kathy has her own running dialog where she vocally judges every aspect of my being.

Me: Zzzzzzzz…..

Kathy: (organizing the dining room, a.k.a. my room) How do you have this organized? (rhetorical question as I am non-responsive and supposedly sleeping). I bet you don’t. (rhetorical jab…I heard you Kathy… but I am not going to bite and give you the satisfaction) Let’s see…That’s a top, that’s a top, that’s NOT a top…(Kathy experiences a small victory…she was right again! You can hear the know-it-all joy in her voice. I bet if I opened my eyes she would have that smirk I am oh so familiar with…)

And on that note, I must go as my computer is running out of juice and Kathy has not allowed me to have a charger in the “internet hotspot”. She has that power.

Next time… Larnie returns home for the week and a new normal is established!

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