When You Have a Tough Day During HA Recovery
Today I am having a really tough day during my Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA) recovery journey. When I first started my recovery journey, most of the days were tough. As time went on and my mind adjusted, however, the days got easier. The days actually got great. I loved eating more food and making my food more delicious. I was elated to not feel hungry all the time and to feel nourished and full. I enjoyed filling out into my clothes and finding some curves developing again. I even found joy in brushing my thicker hair and painting my stronger nails. For the past week, though, I have been having a really tough time. I feel fat, I feel large in my clothing, and I feel a longing for my old HA body. On days like this though, I choose to persevere. Here is how I do so.
On difficult days such as this, I refuse to give in to my HA past. I choose to continue on this healthy path forward; a path paved in resilience and tenacity. I remind myself that:
1. I am so much healthier now than I used to be.
-My initial concept of ‘health’ was wrong. Oh it was so wrong. A year ago, ‘health’ to me meant being skinny, lean, constantly hungry, buying clothes in the Juniors section of the clothing store (as a 25 year old woman), seeing defined abs, and working out excessively despite cutting calories. I look back now and I am in shock that I let this world convince me that THAT was a healthy woman. I now respect the true health of a woman’s body. One that has fat on it to carry life someday, one that has a period to create life itself, one that feels nourished through whole, real foods, and one that has the energy to laugh and smile without feeling the need for caffeine or alcohol.
2. I am nurturing my body and giving it the love that it deserves.
-When my body is hungry, I feed it good foods. When my body is tired, I let it rest with no feelings of guilt. Treating my body with this respect and love has brought me so much more internal joy than I ever could have imagined during my days of calorie restriction and over-exercising.
3. I am internally happy.
-I may not love the way I look every day, but gosh darn do I feel great on the inside. I laugh more than I have in years. I enjoy the experience of going to a new restaurant with my husband. I thrive at family/friend gatherings. I relax after a day at work. These feelings bring me such true joy, that I would take a larger body ANY day to keep them over what I used to feel.
4. My digestion is the best it’s ever been.
-This one is soooooo underrated for HA recovery. My digestion is fantastic these days. Enough said.
5. I don’t need coffee twice a day on weekdays and alcohol every weekend any more.
-This is the topic of a whole separate and intense post about my serious addictions to caffeine and alcohol during my HA days. Let’s just say that it feels amazing now to feel naturally energetic and present in life without the need for external stimulants.
And most importantly, I remind myself that:
6. I am who I was always meant to be.
-This. I am back home to who I truly am. No lack of body fat or aesthetically appealing body will ever be worth the days that I had no idea who I was anymore due to HA.
So when you have a tough day during your HA recovery, please know that you are not alone. We will get through this, and we can do it together. Please send me an email any time you are feeling down, and let’s chat.