i speak so often from my hope, my optimism, my perfect driving visions.
‪#‎transparentjournalling‬
today i speak for my fear.
the father aspect in my life tells me:
“you must be perfect. but you cannot be perfect.”
the masculine in my life tells me:
“i am drawn to your strength. but you are too masculine. i cannot open to you.
you are also too fragile, i cannot walk beside your suffering any longer.”
my inner child tells me:
“you will be required to carry the weight of the whole.
but your body is small.
you must keep your risk profile to limited exposure.
you must realise that there will never be another that will want to carry this load with you.”
my ancestors tell me:
“the grief is immense. 
it will break you.
our line is not one for emancipation.
others will sense this load, and disown you.
you will do well to be strong, and to put your eye on the road.
wear blinkers if you must.
your life will not be as long as some, but that will bring relief.”
the mother tells me:
“i see through the illusions of this life.
but i cannot walk far with you.
the mother and the child will be separated.
they will both struggle to find freedom,
they will struggle to walk strong on the fertile earth.
they will both grieve.”
society tells me:
“we are afraid of change. 
we have hurt, we have starved, we have bled so many times.
we must maintain stability,
and the free expression of your creativity and your emotions
challenges the order. 
if we can’t contain and classify you, you will increase our risk profile,
and we cannot estimate the next harvest.
close your heart to the losses of the world.
they have always been, 
and every cycle of growth is met with destruction.
keep busy, drink ale, and do not look beyond the horizon when the fire comes.”
…
my hope tells me:
“beauty is the only thing that is real.
it sings behind every note. 
it transforms every pain.
it is the pain itself.
until your life relents
do not relent your determined hope.
look to the stars
this is what you are made of.”