Love Hurts

We never discuss the most important reason for staying.

When we talk about domestic abuse, we miss one of the most important factors — love. We frame the argument in more rational terms, e.g. when we believe the victim only stays for practical reasons. We feel it must be because of lack of resources, or isolation, or logistics. At worst, they might remain through fear, compliance, or learned helplessness. But that’s only part of the problem. All of these reasons are valid ones, but by concentrating only on the practical, we’re only seeing part of the picture, and we’re letting survivors down.

Why do victims return, again and again, to abusive partners? If there were good and rational reasons to leave, why would they go back? This is usually the point where friends and relatives get frustrated with a victim and blame them or cut off help — but this is when they need it the most. Practical assistance is necessary, but so is emotional support. Acknowledging a victim’s feelings and talking about them can help them come to terms with what’s really going on — and provides an outside perspective that they are unable to see.

When I was in an abusive relationship, the advice and support I was given by both friends and support services was focussed on the notion that this was a practical problem to solve, whereas the emotional barrier that I could not cross was the bigger issue for…