Crippling Fear

I have a crippling fear and I haven’t been able to shake it. When I’m not able to occupy my mind, when I’m trying desperately to think of anything else, it floods my thoughts and I’m filled with terror. I used to believe that there was life after death, I believed in souls and spirits. It seems I’ve come to the realization that it’s all a fairy tale. Although my mind has come to this conclusion I am desperate for the faith to come back. When I think about not existing anymore — just absolute and complete nothingness — I can’t describe the feeling other than sick to my stomach with terror.

I’ve been asked ‘What is the fear?’

Of pain when dying? Of my loved ones missing me? Or simply of the unknown?

All of these and more? Or something simpler?

It’s that there is nothing waiting for us after death. That our entire existence will just no longer be. I am terrified of every memory being lost. Of my love dying along with me. It can not be the end. There has to be more. I have to exist. I need immortality. Not want. Need.

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