How the Pandemic Created Healing
Emotional recovery in a time of panic.
As a toddler’s mom, a fulltime graduate student, a fulltime worker in a not for profit organization, and a freelance Communication Specialist, 2019 was filled with stress, anxiety, and pressure.
But here’s the truth, I didn’t even realize how burnt out I was.
In 2020, my graduate program ended, and my hours at work were reduced by a full day. I was incredibly blessed to have not lost my job in a time where the unemployment rate grows consistently.
I didn’t know how to handle the stillness.
I had been on-the-go for so long that rest became such a foreign concept that it caused me anxiety to just be. So much so that it happened. My mental breakdown.
It wasn’t some one-time event that is uniquely identifiable. No, it happened slowly, taking me by surprise with each new physical reaction. The feeling like my heart was going to explode. Difficult breathing when trying to rest. Feeling the physical pain from past trauma.
It hit me slowly, but it hit me hard.
I started to recluse, unable to function with untrusted strangers. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t be me.
Now, even though I was feeling and experiencing all of this, I was still in denial.
I was so afraid to show emotion and weakness that I couldn’t allow myself to understand that I needed help.
One day, my husband sat me down and expressed his concern.
He said that I should really think about going to therapy. Pain raced through my body as I remembered childhood trauma. Phrases ran through my mind of past emotional torment. Was I ready? Could I do this?
“I’ll be right here with you every step of the way,” he assured me.
And, I knew he would be. He was the only person I let see me cry. He was the only man I ever truly trusted.
I signed up for online therapy. While this type of treatment is not for everyone, I thought I would give it a try. My therapist has changed my life.
I’m going to be honest; therapy is challenging.
I have to be venerable, open to healing, and willing to talk about past abuse. Over the past six months, I have started to feel still. You know what’s shocking? Because of my past, there has never been a time where I truly felt still.
I started discovering new dimensions of myself and strategies on how to cope. For the first time in a long-time, I began to feel free.
I use to pack my schedule out, creating busyness to distract me from my problems. I coped by working. I continued toxic relationships because it was easier not to engage in needed conflict and boundary setting. I became nomadic because I was too afraid to have intimate relationships. And, I would have never realized any of this without the added stress of the pandemic.
I know this experience comes from a place of privilege.
Thousands are dying around the world because of the virus. And many would like to experience emotional healing but don’t have access to therapy or are too afraid of the stigma society attaches to recovery. I want to take a moment to honor those individuals with awareness.
The pandemic has changed so much about daily life. The economy, social systems, and even culture are changing because of the virus. But it’s never too late to get help. It just might be the life preserver you never knew you needed.
