A Good Cop / Bad Cop Interrogation
Good Cop: Listen, Joey. Just tell us where Marconi Brothers are hiding out and I’ll make sure you’re treated well. If you don’t, I can’t promise anything about what my partner’s gonna do.
Joey: What is this, some good cop, bad cop bullshit?
Good Cop: It is, Joey. However, my partner isn’t a bad cop in the sense that he’s aggressive or that he’ll try to scare and threaten you. He’s just a bad cop. Like, he’s not good at his job.
Joey: Wait, what?
Good Cop: You don’t want to find out. Now where are the Marconi Brothers?
Joey: I’ll never tell.
Good Cop: So be it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Tim, he’s all yours.
Bad Cop: Hey, I’m Tim. What’s your name? I lost your paperwork.
Joey: …Joey.
Bad Cop: Nice to meet you, Joey. Now why’d you burn down that swimming pool?
Joey: What? I didn’t burn down a swimming pool. I don’t even think swimming pools can be burned down.
Bad Cop: Ah, shit? Really? Sorry, I prepped for the wrong interrogation. In fact, I may have prepped for a fictional interrogation with someone who could burn down a swimming pool.
Joey: You’re just messing with me. Getting me to think you’re terrible at being a cop so I let something slip.
Bad Cop: I’m not messing with anyone. Look, I’ll put my badge on the table and we’ll just talk like two normal guys.
Joey: That’s a birdhouse.
Bad Cop: Well the bird stole my badge, so I stole something from it.
Joey: Dude, you’re a bad cop.
Good Cop: You had enough yet, Joey?
Joey: Never!
Good Cop: Fine. It’s your funeral.
Bad Cop: Who was that guy?
Joey: That’s your partner! How are you a police officer?
Bad Cop: Hey! I’ll be the one asking the questions! First question: How am I a police officer?
Joey: I don’t know!
Bad Cop: Okay. Third question: Where-
Joey: You skipped the second question.
Bad Cop: Fourth question: Why’d I skip the second question?
Joey: I want my lawyer. Isn’t it a law that my lawyer needs to be here?
Bad Cop: Who knows? There’s over 50 laws. Nobody can remember all of them. Or any of them, for that matter. Now why do you hate swimming pools so much?
Joey: I don’t!
Bad Cop: Now we’re getting somewhere. Do you have a pad of paper and a pen I can write some notes on?
Joey: No.
Bad Cop: Damn. I wish these cop uniforms had more pockets. And weren’t so heavy. And didn’t require me to carry this axe at all times.
Joey: You know you’re dressed like a fireman, right?
Bad Cop: I don’t know that! I don’t know that at all! I never knew that!
Good Cop: Okay, Tim! Calm down! I think he’s had enough. Ain’t that right, Joey?
Joey: Honestly, I have. This guy’s infuriatingly bad. The Marconi Brothers are hiding out at the old rock quarry near the train station.
Good Cop: Bingo! Tim, you get that?
Bad Cop: Sure did. I’ll grab the squid car and head down to the rock quarry.
Good Cop: …squad car. You’ll grab the squad car.
Bad Cop: No, I sold the squad car for a squid car.
Joey & Good Cop: Is that a car full of squids or a car made out of squids or a car shaped like a squid?
Bad Cop: A little of column A, a little of column B, all of column C, some of column D.
Joey & Good Cop: What’s column D? Wow. We keep talking at the same time. Crazy.
Bad Cop: Who knows? There’s over three columns. Nobody can remember all of them.
Good Cop: You know what, Tim? I’ll go wrangle up the Marconi Boys. You stay here with Joey.
Joey: No! Wait! Please don’t leave me here with him! Damn it!
Bad Cop: Who was that guy?
