I Honestly Didn’t Expect You So Soon, Mr. Bond. Allow Me To Describe My Currently Under Construction Evil Lair To You.

Keaton Patti
Jul 26, 2017 · 4 min read

Please excuse the mess, 007. I really thought I had at least a few weeks before you’d even consider the possibility of my lair being hidden directly underneath another supervillain’s lair. I knew I should’ve stuck with the tried and true dormant volcano or mock glacier locations, but I just had to be crafty! Regardless, even though my facility may not nearly be fully operational, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give you a tour before I kill you.

Someone get Bond a hardhat! Sorry, but regulations are regulations. Huh? What do you mean we don’t have any extra? I ordered plenty! No, I didn’t do next day shipping. We’re directly on the International Date Line, so I’m confused as to how it would work. Louis, give him yours. Why? Because if you don’t, I’ll shift the Earth’s tectonic plates and have you thrown into a gaping chasm. Well, I will when we get that plate shifter working.

There you are, Mr. Bond. Safe and ready to witness the evil that my contractor assures me will be ready to unleash upon this world in less than a month or two. Three at the max.

OK, I know this room is empty right now, but in no time at all it will house the most powerful tractor beam ever imagined. Are you aware of the moon, Mr. Bond? Of course you are. You’re an intelligent man. However, soon the entire world will be aware of the moon, for my tractor beam will be bringing it closer and closer to the Earth until my demands are met. Louis, show Mr. Bond the tractor beam designs!

What are these? No…not these designs…the designs from last week, you know? They had a snazzier color scheme and a fun font. Also, these have the beam aimed at the sun, which we agreed was just a bad idea. Trust me, James, the other designs were way cooler than this! You can imagine how crazy and terrifying the beam will be, right? Let’s keep the tour moving.

Ah, my global monitoring system! Thanks to my secret satellites, any location in the world can appear on these massive video screens with the simple click of a button. Right now, you are seeing Guam, the jewel of the Pacific, but any nation can fall under my dreadful gaze. Pick a country, Bond! Monaco? Technically a principality, but that’s not a problem for my eyes in the sky. Just a simple click and…there we…Guam. Why is it still on Guam, Louis? No, I highly doubt Monaco and Guam look the exact same from space. Merely a minor glitch. Another country, Bond! Vatican City? You know damn well that isn’t a country! I’ll wipe that smirk off your face with a real time close-up image of the Pope poping around! Any second now the Papal Palace will appear in Guam’s stead. Any second. Any…second. Keep in mind that a satellite second is longer than a normal second. Alright, this clearly isn’t working. Louis, remind me to blow up Guam.

Oh, has my aquarium caught your eye, Mr. Bond? Thousands of piranhas. Bloodthirsty minions of the devil himself. They could pick a man’s bones clean of flesh in a matter of seconds. And they will do that once we can get the water’s pH balance correct. Until then, it remains empty. I could show you the piranhas in their individual plastic bags, if you wish. No, you’re right. It is kinda sad.

You know what? Tour is over.

I know I said I’d kill you, but really the only reason I set about creating this lair was so you could marvel at my brilliance and classy design decisions. That clearly hasn’t happened. Since we’re both gentlemen, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll let you go if you promise you won’t come back until this place is finished. A few months at the most. I could disintegrate the Sphinx to let you know that I’m ready for you to return.

Do we have a deal, Mr. Bond? Perfect!

You can ride the monorail over there to the surface. Oh, he can’t? Well, you can ride it to the stairs around the corner. Still no? You can at least sit in it for a second if you need a rest. That would break it? Sitting in it breaks it? That shouldn’t be like that.

Listen, Bond, there’s a rope ladder down the hall that you can use as an exit. When you next come here, you’ll forget all about these minor glaring problems. Until then, I bid you adieu.

Oh, boy. That did not go well. Louis, find the foreman and tell him to meet me in my temporary command center in 10 minutes! Yeah, it’s the blue tent.

Wait a minute. Bond kept that hardhat, didn’t he? Curse you, 007!

Keaton Patti

Written by

Future constellation.

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