This should be in space.

I’m Sick of Operating the Hubble Land Telescope

Mr. Director, when I accepted this position, I was told that within a year or two I’d be upgraded to the real deal, the Hubble Space Telescope. Yet, here I am 9 years in still looking at and photographing things on Earth from Earth. I’m sick of zooming in on the damn St. Louis Gateway Arch! I want to zoom in on the Andromeda Galaxy’s Gateway Arch!

Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people I work on the Hubble telescope and then have to add, “Not the one in space. The one in Rhode Island in a building that used to make bowling pins.”? It’s so embarrassing that I don’t even bother doing it anymore. I tell people I work at a bank. When they ask which one, I just walk away. That’s because of you and your lies, Mr. Director! I want the job I was promised!

Are you not promoting me because you don’t think I know about space? Because I do. I know which planets have rings and which planets wished they had rings. I know how black holes form and why it’s not our fault. Plus, I can point out the Sun right away on any clear day. Astronomy is my forte and my talent is being wasted observing and taking pictures of various interstates so AAA can have nicer maps. Nobody even uses those maps! And you promised me a free one, which I’ve yet to receive, Mr. Director.

Can you at least tell me your name? I’m sick of calling you “Mr. Director.” I guarantee you let the space telescope operator know your name. That should be me eyeing distant nebulae and knowing what that name tag you always cover up around me says!

I didn’t want to have to do this, but I used the land telescope to spy on you. So unless you want me to tell your wife that from afar it looks like you’re possibly thinking of cheating on her, it’d be wise to put me on the next rocket to space. I have to be in space to operate the good Hubble, right? I hope so. I’ve made a lot of enemies here on Earth, especially among Rhode Islanders who are running out of bowling pins. They throw eggs at my telescope everyday. Not kids, either. Old people. I don’t even bother cleaning it up, but I would if it was the space telescope and they were space eggs. I promise you that.

Don’t tell me you’ll think about it. The Hubble’s been in space for 25 years. Who knows how long we have until it shuts down or the Russians hijack it? By the way, if that happens, I’m defecting right away and operating it for them. If that makes me a traitor, which I think by definition it does, then so be it. I’m sure the Russians will at least let me know their names, if they have names other there, which they probably do.

So, what do you say, Mr. Director? Will I be operating the Hubble Space Telescope or not? No? Well then it looks like I’ll be informing your wife about your somewhat potentially possible cheating. Can I have her number? No? Well then I quit! Good luck finding someone else who knows how to work the Hubble Land Telescope. It has over two buttons and a dial, and even I don’t know what that dial does!

But, seriously, give me that map I was promised.

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