The Blunders of Presidential Children Throughout Time

Keaton Patti
Jul 27, 2017 · 2 min read

1796 — Martha Parke Custis, George Washington’s stepdaughter, causes a scandal by proclaiming her stepfather “the worst American President yet,” which everyone agrees to be technically true, despite its catty delivery.

1838 — In a drunken stupor, Abraham Van Buren punches the Declaration of Independence for over ten minutes before coming to his senses, getting drunk again, and then moving on to the Bill of Rights.

1862 — Willie Lincoln does something terribly unbecoming of a President’s son by dying of typhoid fever.

1893 — Esther Cleveland stubbornly decides to be born inside of the White House instead of waiting for her mother to arrive at a hospital like a reasonable infant.

1912 — William Howard Taft’s son Robert helps install the White House bathtub his corpulent father will get stuck in, the only thing people will ever remember about his Presidency.

1963 — John F. Kennedy Jr. invites schoolmates to play with him under his father’s desk in the Oval Office. The children turn out to be Soviet spies who escape America with confidential knowledge regarding how American children play.

1971 — Julie Nixon causes a stir when she famously gets a tattoo that reads, “My Father Will Never Be Forced To Resign Due To Impeachment Fears.”

1979 — An old bag of peanuts that Jimmy Carter treats as a son spills open all over Muammar Gaddafi, tainting America-Libya relations.

1995 — While helping Hillary with her AOL account, Chelsea Clinton shows her mother how to delete emails.

2001–2009–8 years of blunders as George H.W. Bush’s son is President of the United States of America. His greatest accomplishment is not choking to death on a pretzel.

2015 — While sitting onstage while her mother gives an impassioned speech about stopping childhood obesity, Sasha Obama proceeds to eat three entire red velvet cakes by herself.

2017 — Donald Trump Jr. releases emails proving he met with Russians in order to gain political leverage on Hillary Clinton, a blunder widely considered almost as terrible as dying of typhoid fever.

Keaton Patti
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