The employee walked slowly through the parking lot. He didn’t want to do this, but his boss said he had to or else. The employee didn’t know what or else meant, but he assumed it’d be bad. Or else was never good. Or else was never a pizza party. Or else was never a chance to go backstage at a magic show and meet the magician and ask them how they made that tiger so depressed. Or else was never a promo code for free shipping, ground or air.

Or else was always bad.

The employee approached the car and…

Illustration by Emily Clouse

I’m sorry, but did I just overhear you guys saying Die Hard is a Christmas movie? I did? Oh, well I hate to sour this holiday party, but I’d be remiss not to point out that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life of hearing things. Die Hard has been and will always be the greatest Hanukkah movie ever created.

I mean, did you guys even watch the movie? It’s so Jewish it makes Eight Crazy Nights look antisemitic! Let’s just start with the setting: a company Christmas party on Christmas Eve. Now I’ll grant you, that…

Photo by Nomadic Julien on Unsplash

You must be the real estate man. I am Edgar Allan Poe. I would say it’s a pleasure to meet you, alas I only derive pleasure from removing the gossamer veil that obfuscates unknown horror from the eyes of mankind. Well, I also like baking, but mainly that first thing. Sorry for my tardiness today, I was pacing around a graveyard willing my skin to become paler and lost track of the hour. Now, shall you show me through this stately manor in front of us?

Right away, I must say that I appreciate the fact that this house is…

Photo by Sean Pollock on Unsplash

First of all, Mr. and Mrs. Mason, thank you for taking the time out of your schedules for this parents-and-principal meeting. I understand you’re both civil engineers and I know Fall is terribly busy for you since if enough leaves falls on a bridge, it will surely collapse. That’s never happened? Interesting, but I’m going to keep believing it has happened. Regardless, this isn’t about me. It’s about your son. I brought you in today because your boy Ryan simply thinks he’s too cool for school.

And I 100% agree.

Ryan really is something else. If Joe Camel and Fonzie…

Photo from Canva.

The polls are officially closed and the final votes have been tallied. I’m sad to tell everyone here that I will not be the next mayor of Elmbrook. Despite the efforts of your great volunteer work, of my door-to-door canvassing, of my wife’s attempt to bribe voters with her delicious baked chocolate nut fiesta bars, of my brother’s promise that if I was elected, he’d stop being a nudist, the townspeople have spoken: they want Baxter, a 5-year old golden retriever to continue being their mayor for the next four years.

I just got off the phone with my opponent…

Photo from Pixabay on Pexels.

Well looky what we’ve got here, a full class of new recruits expecting to become programmers in just 12 short weeks! Let me guess, y’all think that because you know a few keyboard shortcuts and can unfreeze your mama’s Candy Crush iPad, then y’all will surely become the next Bill Gates. Y’all will graduate from here, create a big software company, marry someone named Melinda, and make it your life’s work to murder every mosquito on Earth. …

Photo by Pawel Janiak on Unsplash

Good afternoon, everyone. I wish I called this press conference in order to relay good news. I wish I could say something like, “Tonganoxie has been selected as Kansas’ most livable city.” Or even, “Not all of Tonganoxie’s birds have opted to commit suicide rather than to continue living here.” Sadly, I can’t say those words, since once again Tonganoxie ranks as Kansas’ least livable city due to rampant poverty, pollution, homelessness, corruption, dangerous smells, bird deaths, and the fact our water somehow makes you more thirsty when you drink it.

However, I didn’t come here today to the one…

I stared at the hundreds of liquor bottles for a few minutes before finally asking the old woman behind the counter for help.

“Well,” she said. “What’s the occasion?”

“I’m going to a party,” I said.

“What kind of party we talking about?” She strolled out from behind the counter. “Birthday? Baby shower? Retirement? Ya know, I’m planning on retiring next month.” She pointed to a calendar on the wall. In every one of the 28 small squares, she had written “Retire Next Month.”

“I did not know that,” I said. “I’ve heard good things about retiring in February. But…

Al Gore, with a haircut he had to pay for himself.

While most Americans are aware of the benefits that go along with being the President (living in the White House, flying around on Air Force One, ability to determine what constitutes a witch hunt), most don’t know that the office of Vice President carries similar, yet slightly less extravagant perks.

Vice Presidential Mansion

Since 1974, 1 Observatory Circle in Washington, D.C., a beautiful Queen Anne style seven-bedroom house, has been the residence of every Vice President and six random roommates that the landlord trusts. The Vice President has the highest priority regarding choosing which of the weekly house chores he…

Recently the Doomsday Clock, a representation of the likelihood of a man-made global catastrophe, was set to 2 minutes away from midnight. The following are the most noteworthy changes in the history of the clock.

1947 — At its inception, the Doomsday Clock was set at 7 minutes to midnight to reflect improving world relations after World War II, and because the person that drew the first physical representation of the clock had already drawn it 7 minutes to midnight and didn’t want to draw another one.

1949 — The nuclear arms race began as the Soviet Union tested its…

Keaton Patti

Future constellation.

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