Dear Ola,

I have very poor financial planning and sense. I will try to save Rs 50 to spend Rs 5000 later on things I never want in life. But, you changed me forever, Ola. I am for ever indebted to you. A great thank you to Bhavish Aggrawal and his team for this. Do you guys ever reckon opening a Aggrawal finance coaching centre in Kota? I am 100% sure you guys will succeed.

What does anyone want to do after a long day at office? Nothing but to get back home, lie on bed and think how many times you have used Vlookup on excel. Wow such romantic feeling. Yesterday was no different.

Coming from a middle class family, my mom always told me one thing — “Vaishu! Chi chi. Dikumalina dana, dabulu dachukokapothe sankanakipothav” English Transaction — “Vaishu! You directionless stupid fellow, if you don’t save money you will be like arm pit or something like that.”

I don’t know what got over me, but I checked my Bitcoin value yesterday and realised that the value is less than IQ of the great CM of Tripura, his highness, Biplab Kumar Deb. A sudden urge came over me to save money left and right. What better way to do it, then go in Pools and Shares? Don’t be surprised if you find my name in Forbes Billionaires list next year. Damn right, bitches!

I booked an Ola Share cab to my place from office at 7:45PM. It takes usually not more than 20 min to reach my home. The same amount of time a car at Silk Board Junction in Bangalore to travel a great distance of 50m. You should be knowing, your office is in Bangalore.

So, Mr Gotham was supposed to pick me up. I immediately felt respect. I mean Mr Gotham was Batman no, before Ben Affleck came and pooped on it? I called him to find out where is he and he said he had reached the location point. You see, I was also at the location, but he was no where to be found. I called him up again to find out where exactly he is, to which he said “Memji, white swift ke bagal pe”. There are more than 10 white swifts. I told him to tell the plate number or switch on his indicator, but he was no where to be found. After a solid 10 min drama with Chori Chori Chupke Chupke in the background, we found each other. I don’t get the epic Marvel crossover people are talking about, the best crossover in the history of history is you and your cab driver finding each other.

I expected Mr. Gotham to have very deep voice, but he sounded like he just snorted some helium. I mean when he was calling me Ma’am, all I could hear was meme. Anyways, he started the ride and epic adventure began.

First of all, Ola, WHAT THE FUCK is the ringtone you guys use to indicate a trip had been added to the driver? What is Aaoaoaaoaoao sound? Please tell me? What is your app? Amrish puri in DDLJ? or me singing Rolling in the deep chorus? Scary AF. Second of all your driver had no clue that there is an option called Share. He told me “meme appka ride cancel hogaya. Doosra booking agaya hai” My first immediate reaction was to act like a privileged jerk and shout at him. But then, I came across my CV the previous day and I know I might end up as his colleague one day. I composed my self and gave him the smile I give in awkward social conversations and said “Bhaiya, share me hai” He turned so swiftly and looked at me with wide eyes as if I said “Agli baar bhi modi sarkaar” and then he said “meme ye share kya hota hai?”

Wow. This dude has no idea. I don’t blame him. He is a nice guy, who kept on calling me, meme. Ola, tell me one thing, why do you take millions and millions of funding? So that you can sell yourself to western company and call your successful? Don’t be so flipkart in nature. You fell short of Rs 1000 to train this guy? No worries. Give your paytm number, I will transfer. I got KYC done after lots of blackmail from Modi.

Anyways, I explained Mr Gotham what share is. I guess I was very unconvincing, he called his Malik, Ashok Ji and told him that meme is telling him that this is share. I must tell you Ola, you must immediately fire this Ashok Ji. He was so rude to my Gotham. He said “Pagal hai kya, Share pe kyu hai, Dimaag dahi hojayega” Ashokji asked him to cancel the second ride he had received and cut the phone. He cancelled the ride and started moving to take me home. After 2 min, that horrific aaoaaoaaoao sound came again and added a new ride. The new rider called MrGotham and told him to come to HUDA City Center and cut the phone. Mr. Gotham turns back and asks me “ye HUDA City center kya hai?” I told him that it’s the last metro station in Gurgaon. Mr Gotham was stunned for 1 min and looked at me like he was Dettol and I was the 0.1% germs that he couldn’t kill. He said “Me Gurgaon agaya kya?”

He was baffled. He was confused. He looked hopeless. He was like what is happening in life. What sorcery is this. In a sense, he was exact replica of everyday me. Immediate sense of brotherly feeling radiated out of me for Mr Gotham. I knew I had to help this guy.

Mr. Gotham said he wasn’t aware that his last duty brought him to Gurgaon. He simply followed navigation and now he is here. He immediately called Ashokji and told him the same. Ola, this Ashokji is 100% asshole. He said, he is switching off Gotham’s duty and that he won’t get any money into his account. I don’t know how is that even possible, but that sentence was enough for Mr Gotham to pee his pants. He cancelled his next Huda City Center ride, pulled the car aside and started figuring out how to put his duty back on.

While all these drama is going on, Ola wouldn’t want to give up. Constant aaoaoaoaoaoaoa sounds for next rides. We should abolish capital punishment and replace it with this sound. Around 5 rides got added and Mr Gotham cancelled it. He lost all his hope and looked back and said “meme kya karu?”

In one last ditch attempt, I looked for a number on ola on which I can call. I found a number which said, call us in case of emergency. Now I know this isn’t emergency, but Mr Gotham might hyper ventilate soon. I called the number and a nice computer lady said that I am very valuable. Ola, can you please gift me this computer lady? I will use it in my MBA essay.

You guys also added nice piano music, making me wonder if I am part of some sappy life is good, all good things happen kind of movie. Anyways, the computer lady said all call executives are busy and apologies for the delay. Good manners she has, Ola. Can you also gift these to MBA colleges all round the world? She can be trained to say “Sorry, all our seats are occupied. Sorry for the delay. We get you one as soon as a seat is free” or something like that. 5 min passed still we weren’t able to connect to anyone. 10 min passed and still there was no response. Same music and computer lady apologising to me. 20 min gone, nothing but computer lady apologising.

Ola, tell me this. How is this emergency number? Like if there is some accident that had happened, time won’t be like okay I’ll freeze for sometime untill Ola executives get free. Where is your call centre? In that planet where Matthew Mcconaughey got stuck in the movie Interstellar?

Meanwhile, Mr. Gotham and I had the left over papaya from my box with nice piano music in the background. After around 70 min, Mr Gotham said “meme, apko drop kardunga, phir dekhlunga”

I reached home around 9 PMish and I learnt a great deal i.e — You can be a meme, even if you don’t want to. Also, saving money, my ass.

Ps — Please let me know if Mr. Gotham had received his money? I would love to Paytm, if he hadn’t. Also, I don’t want your fuck all bots to come and say, we will take action against the driver. Please don’t. He is a nice guy, we have same taste in music. Please take action against Ashok ji.

Yours in exasperation,

Keerthana Rao