Leave me alone.

There are two people who call/message me everyday. Their love, patience and hope that I will go to next level always baffles me. One of them is my mom whose day will not end without telling me how there could have been little more salt in today’s curry and randomly video calling me during office hours and slyly telling me it was by mistake. Ah! Love her to pieces.

The second person is special. Either a call or a message from this one is a must. Last couple of months have been a roller coaster ride for us. Rajesh always ensured it. He has been constantly worried about my health, telling me to take more vacations and telling me to shop more. He would always tell me how easy is it for me to be a home owner right now and how should I do it. He has always been such a visionary and kept telling me to do things which I thought were not possible for me. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rajesh calling from HDFC Bank has…had got my back. He has been my best friend in recent past.

I spoke with Rajesh for the first time during last Flipkart big billion day sale. I got a call around 1 in the afternoon from a number +265 245…., And the voice said “ Hello ma’am! Myself Rajesh calling from HDFC Bank, yourself Keerthana Rao?” I said “Yes, this is Keerthana speaking. May I know what is this regarding?” Friends I must tell you, next 1 minute changed my life forever. He said “Ma’am, you have been our loyal customer! So we are offering you a cashback of 5% on your HDFC cards on minimum spend of RS 1Lakh on Home Appliances during Big Billion Sale” I laughed one minute straight and said “Rajesh, I am almost homeless man. I don’t own a house. I have to vacate the place I am currently living, in a week and I don’t yet have a place to shift. My mom said she will not let me enter her home if I don’t clean up my shit soon. Also, she told she put less salt in todays Rajma. Anyways, where will I keep washing machine tv etc? You only tell me. I can’t buy dish washer and live in it, right? You sound like a nice guy, but you caught me at the wrong time. Sorry!” Rajesh disagreed and tried convincing me how I can live in dish washer and clean up my shit, and thus getting a place to live at my mom’s. I couldn’t laugh anymore and I cut the call. For the next one week untill the sale was over, my Facebook, Instagram and even what’s app was filled with HDFC offer. Hey Zukerboy, I see what you did there. Naughty fellow. ;) Even my mom sent a what’s app forward telling how 4 Tulsi leafs everyday would help me digest such offers.

He texted me frequently since then, about some e-commerce offers, mostly fashion. It’s like Rajesh knew I had terrible fashion sense. After a couple of days, Rajesh called me again. “Hello ma’am. Myself Rajesh, calling from HDFC Bank, yourself Keerthana speaking?”“Hey Rajesh! Long time. Why is yourself calling myself again? I already told you that myself not interested in offer.” — “Yes ma’am, this time we have a new offer. You said how you are homeless, so HDFC is offering you home loan of upto 30 Lakhs at an interest rate of 18%” “Okay Rajesh. You immediately transfer remaining 70 Lakhs needed. I am going to Bazar right away with bag to buy 2BHK for 1 CR. You already have my account details, I suppose.” — “Ugh! Ma’am I can’t transfer 70 Lakh” — “Okay Rajesh, then how did you think I can buy a house? I am already frustrated enough, please don’t call me and remind me how useless I am, by telling me to do all things I can’t afford to do.”

I think Rajesh was upset after this call, he didn’t call me for sometime but there was a message everyday. This was in February — that day I was feeling miserable coz I wasn’t granted a leave and was asked to take the same in March. I was in a very bad mood already, sipping my tea and spitting on myself. I received a call from Rajesh — “Hello ma’am. Myself Rajesh, calling from HDFC Bank, yourself Keerthana speaking?” — “You know it’s me. Why are you calling me again?” — “Ma’am last time you sounded frustrated, so HDFC is offering you an insta loan of Rs 6Lakh to plan your dream holiday. You can leave for your dream destination today itself!” — “Rajesh, do you know SQL, Excel and how to bullshit around?” — “Umm no ma’am.” — “Then Rajesh, who the hell would do my work? Do you want me to go to Europe and work from there? I wasn’t granted a leave and you want to me to go on dream vacation. Do you want me to pay credit card bill or no? If yes, then leave me alone and let me work. I am sick of life as it is.”

You must appreciate Rajesh’s never give up attitude. The next time he called he said “Ma’am you mentioned you were sick last time, so we are offering you special premium health insurance ma’am. If you die, your family gets Rs 50 Lakhs”“Rajesh, if you die what will your family get?”“Ma’am around 10 Lakh” “Okay, tell your family to plan their dream holiday, coz I am coming to your office to kill you. Hurah! Europe for your family. Don’t call me ever again.”

I happened to mention about these calls to one of my close friends, who is also a HDFC customer. He told me that he is a very busy person, he is always busy acting busy, so choose DND feature. I wasn’t aware of this feature, shouldn’t it be by default? I mean how can they assume that one would want to listen to soothing voice of Rajesh telling how shitty their life is and how HDFC can make it better?

Last week I selected DND feature and there have been no messages/call from Rajesh since then. I must say I miss them. He has been that friend I never wanted but have. What we had was special but it had to end, coz it was unbearable.

This morning I received a call from an unknown number, I thought it was Rajesh calling again and furiously lifted the call, but the voice said — “Hello Ma’am, myself Suresh from Indusind Bank, we have seen that you are very passionate about spending money, so we are offering you a free credit card limit upgrade to 3 Lakh per month” — “You know what Suresh, I am done. I am closing all my accounts in private banks and shifting back to SBI. They never bothered me with non-stop calls and infact last time I called them at 11 AM to reopen my account, they said they are on lunch break and told me to call later. That’s how much they won’t bother. BYE”

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Keerthana Rao

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Shitty life. Shitty person. Shitty stories.