What am I?

Keerthana Rao
Mar 26, 2018 · 4 min read

Last Sunday, I was walking down the roads of Hauz Khaz Village, strategically deflecting myself from the “we-choose-to-be-blind” college kids who walk as if they have to make Sine curve on the road — I saw a familiar face. He smiled and waved at me. I replied with a poker face heads up nod. You see, I don’t know who he is. All I know is that I saw him somewhere but don’t remember having any active conversation with him. This guy started coming towards me, crossing these blind fellows by doing some Mutant Ninja jumps. He gave his 2000v smile and said “Hi! I am Sahil. We used to go to same gym” *Ooooooh right! You are the one who makes weird “ugh ugh” sounds lifting an incredibly difficult & humongous weight of 5 pounds* But I didn’t say that out loud, obviously. I am a nice person. The conversation went like this- Me — Hey! Nice to meet you. I am Keerthana Sahil — What brings you to HKV? Me — Just here to run some personal errands Sahil — Ah! okay. Walking to metro station? Same here. So Keerthana, what are you?

Excuse me? What is this question “what are you?” Did you forget what you intended to ask? Like “what are you doing?” “what are you upto?” “what are you? Human or Animal?” I waited for a second hoping he would elaborate more, but I got nothing from him except a curious look for an answer from me.

Let me give you a little context about myself. I hail from Andhra Pradesh. People from my place don’t go out of their way to acquaint themselves with an almost stranger! That too opposite gender! Rama Rama full sins. I was brought up to have an open mind and an outgoing nature, but was told to only confine it to friends circle, school and my neighbours. Back in those day if this guy would have said Hi to me, I would be like “Babu! Mind your own miserable business, and I will mind mine”.

My 2 years of regressive life in Narayana IITJEE -EMCET-AIIMS-CAT-UPSC-ASSEMBLY ELECTIONS-AADHAR-MARS Coaching Academy(Only for superstars who is super at being a star) didn’t do any good. It is an unfathomable sin if you talk to anyone and if it’s by mistake opposite gender, you wouldn’t be reading this shitty blog of mine. Ned Stark style execution by Junior Lecturers(JLs) would have happened by now. Valar Morghulis….. sorry Maghulis my friends. These JLs are the most ridiculous human beings on earth. You turn back to borrow a pen and these JLs would start “Aye donkey fellow! Why you back turning talking? I make both of you 4, stand straight circle for 2 hours, you cry mummy mummy also I no listen. Understood? What you say?” What do I have to say? Well, Sir, I will turn you upside down, stuff your mouth with tenses and prepositions until you puke out Wren&Martin.

Kharagpur was better, but there is no self identity there. You are always — Member at X society, Core Team Member at some Y thing, Resident at Z hall, Suffering at some department. God knows if it is real life or some LinkedIn profile. Nobody is actually a stranger, there are so many common things to talk about. Even if you didn’t find anything, you can always talk about how there is Aloo in everything except Aloo Parantha in mess. It’s an easy life. #KeerthanaRao_For_VP_GSec_Sec_SocialSkills

Delhi oh man! Delhi was difficult. It’s an whole different strata of people. In Delhi, people talk. They will talk left and right. With some people you might wonder if you are being interviewed by a RJ. I don’t know shit about them, they don’t know shit about me. So much of small talks to find common ground. I don’t want to downright offend them and at the same time be fake. I am so self conscious when I speak with new people, thanks to Narayana. Gazillion thoughts run in my head at the same time. To put myself at ease, I prepared all possible small talk questions and their answers. Hello Sahil! ‘What are you’ is out of syllabus, cheating this is. Now I should answer “What am I?” I want to sound intelligent and friendly. But really, what am I!

Anyways, back to the moment. My brain is draining out like my bank balance. What should I tell him? How should I answer?

Should I say, I am a Pro- Active and a determined person? No! he might think “Stupid girl, thinks this is HR Interview or something.” May be I should say I am a Sapiosexual. What if he swipes and pushes me right? OMG! There is a blind fellow, rigorously making Sine curve on the road. May be I should say I am an Atheist? Shit, what if he thinks I am anti-national? Okay, I will tell him I am liberal with socialist inclination. Fuck no. He will think I am preamble to constitution of India or something.Will Feminist work? What if he shouts “OH MY GOD LIAR! MAN HATER! FEMINAZI ONLY!” UFF! I don’t want this drama.

I am legit panicking and I am sure he has already started judging me. Time is running out and without thinking I blabbered “Definitely not 5 pound dumbell, coz you don’t seem to be able to lift up the conversation. Hahahahaha!” I realised what I just said, luckily some blind college kid hit him on this Sine curve way. Love you kid. Wait up for me, I’ll join you in this life saving Sine curve cult. I gave Sahil a nervous smile and left the place immediately.

What am I? I really didn’t know untill I met Sahil, thanks to him — I AM NOW A SINE CURVER.


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Keerthana Rao

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Shitty life. Shitty person. Shitty stories.