I have several medals in Bible Bowl, a fact which you may be surprised to learn has never gotten me laid. I earned my Bible Belt as a child during a competition called “Leadership Training for Christ,” which happened every Easter weekend in depressing hotel conference rooms throughout DFW, where…

We are the party of the Stark Family: somewhat honorable but ineffectual to the point of death. (NOTE: SPOILERS DIRECLTLY AHEAD FOR GAME OF THRONES.) — Looking back, it is a particularly adorable phenomenon that we did not anticipate the death of Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. The author of the books and the showrunners of the…

This morning I was walking into my building and a man was walking parallel with me. He was going towards one set of doors; I was going towards a pair adjacent to them. He smiled at me and gestured me over to his side with a head nod. “Let me…

A feminist need that should be intuitive — A woman recently took grave offense to my suggestion that women should feel free to speak negatively about their vaginas. She told me, among other things, that I was in need of counseling. Joke’s on her, I have gone ham on some counseling in my day. But I did feel…

But only its people — It’s a shame that the sky in America is mostly drowned in light, the kind that comes from windows and not from burning balls of gas up in a black sheet sky. Because when we look up on a clear night, we think on how little we are, and at…

I seek prayers and thoughts during this difficult time, as I’ve recently learned that Ben Affleck and I both have fucking hayuge phoenix tattoos on our backs. You can understand how I have been affected by this tragedy: Fear, denial, anger and depression have befallen me on this, the gravest…

Swift, Perry, Minaj, Gaga, Madonna, Beyoncé, Spears, Cyrus and Rhianna: women who are only allowed to be one thing. — People are strange. If Madonna kicked a puppy’s head off, her die-hard fans would emphatically exclaim that the puppy had it coming. At the same time, if Beyoncé creates a song about what is happening in America, a million white people lose their minds. We develop instant and sometimes vehement…

I walk into the marketing meeting (late, of course) with a big ol’ cup full of ice water. The cup is from a Texas BBQ joint and as such is about 512 ounces.

Reasons the Lone Star State should be your lone choice for home. — Look, I know you moved to San Francisco or New York City or Portland because they’re “cool” and “people don’t smoke Marlboro Reds at the Dairy Queen for fun.” …