A Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for teaching me the phrase “Coming out the side of your neck” coined by your prophet Kanye West. I’m sorry that in his album art and music videos, he keeps hanging on crosses and stuff; I know that’s your thing.

Thank you for how quickly the gay community has re-appropriated #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch so that I can laugh at it without feeling homophobic. While we’re on the subject, thanks for going ahead and calling that old guy from Chick-Fil-A up to glory so that the company can stop being the worst and I can resume making sweet love to fried chicken sandos.

Please let all the smarmy Hillary and all the smarmy Bernie people cool it. I mean, we all gonna vote for one of ’em so at least half of these idiots are about to feel real stupid when they have to switch camps.

Lord father, please let me not be a smarmy Bernie supporter, though how could you not be when Hillary Clinton is getting high on this Citizen’s United U.S. and it’s clearly in her best interest to maintain the status quo and OF COURSE she’s going to say there’s no substance to Bernie’s healthcare plan … you seen her donors? GODDAMIT GOD. You were supposed to help me not be smarmy. BUT THEN AGAIN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME BACK AT SOME POINT, TOO. Thief in the night, my ass.

Dear God, please let all of those Michigan officials go straight to hell and have their balls boiled off for an eternity and their faces eaten by piranhas. Please take care of those poor children who were affected by the poison water, although maybe you could have just taken care of them in the first place? Not criticizing here, just food for thought.

I would like to thank you for those new Barbies so I can definitively rule out the 27 body types I am NOT, and then try and figure out what in the damn exactly my body looks like? Is there a Barbie that’s just like a blob, but still has cute outfits? Whoops. that’s Mr. Potato Head. I just described Mr. Potato Head.

Father, please take care of those moose in Oregon that got caught in that fence and the cops who are trying to get them out. …. As a caveat, I haven’t super paid attention to that whole thing, but I think I’m close.

Please take care of my husband, sister, brother, dogs, friends and Medium followers.

Amen.